Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Not Transitioning

The decision to hold off on transitioning was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. When I decided to initially I was still in College and I was still competing and defending my titles and wanted to graduated with a little complications as possible. I decided to not transition so I could graduate doing everything I wanted to accomplish. Once I graduated and I had two years before the next Olympic trials, I started working with a great coach and knew I had a chance and I just couldn't give up on that shot of possibly making the Olympic team. Now while I was close and did better than anyone expected me I didn't succeed. I still have held off transitioning and I wonder everyday if I am making the right decision. I have mentally decided that I would keep going through to 2012 and then begin transitioning and compete as a man, but as I just posted can I wait that long.
My decision to not transition has slammed doors in my face on job opportunities. It has severely effected my education causing discrimination on my internships because people can't deal with what is called my "gender issues". By not transitioning I have been boxed into the gender queer identity which I have a lot of trouble identifying with. I am by no means trying to be a stereotype of masculinity, I just feel comfortable and myself when I am seen as a guy and being a guy. My decision to not transition has distanced me from sects of the trans community as well. Being seen as wanting the best of both worlds, and not willing to be strong enough to sacrifice things in order to transition. The decision to not transition didn't come without lots of thinking and weighing in all sides of the issue. When I made the decision I made it for my love of sport, and the sport I have dedicated my whole life for. I ruined relationships and lost friendships as well as lost my identity all for track.
I wish there was a feasible way to be me and be an athlete all at the same time but I don't see there being a chance, especially being able to compete at the same level I am competing at. I've lost who I am, I can only see a woman when I am even at my best of passing, despite only feeling like a man. I did this all to compete to be the best at something and accomplish something not many people trans or non trans can say they have accomplished. Instead of finding support my decision to not transitioned has closed doors and exiled me from a community I want to fight for and be a member of.


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