Thursday, December 6, 2012
So it finally came the infamous 1st shot, my so called 1st day of my becoming a man (despite always being one). It should have came almost a week earlier I had my script filled the vial of testosterone and the needles in my hand and it took almost a week to be able to decide then and there I was going to do it. I could bring myself to give the shot before that I was still going back and forth with it whether or not I still wanted to compete as female and try to make the World team or just stop and throw on the men's side. I had at that time before I even went to the pharmacy to drop the script off made that decision more or less it was just the committing to that decision. It was actually saying I am done and I am moving on. It was scary and it paralyzed me for a long time. I felt like I could stop going back and forth with to compete or not compete. It seems weird at times that in all seriousness that was all that kept me from not transitioning for the longest time. Then when I had everything right in front of me ready to go I couldn't do it. And it all came down to not being able to compete again. It was really hard to commit to the decision to stop competing. It has been such a large part of my life and pretty much the biggest part of my identity and it felt like I was throwing it away. I was ready to start T but at the same time I really wasn't ready to stop competing to stop throwing and I really don't know how to be without throwing in my life. I made the decision to begin transitioning and continue competing but as a male hammer thrower. I started throwing the 16 pound implement. I finally made the ultimate decision to inject after really debating and deciding that it needed to happen and I knew all along I just had to face it. I realized I had done so much already and I wanted to end on a high note and I didn't know if I could if I kept competing in the same capacity. I am getting old and I didn't know if I could maintain at the same level. I knew that I wanted to throw with the men and that time was now if I was going to have any shot at doing anything with the men's hammer. I found my shot to be one of the more anticlimactic moments of my life. I thought I would feel this huge tension come off my shoulders and I thought I would feel whole. But I didn't, I didn't regret it and I still don't but I never felt that sense of completeness. It was a humbling experience in that I still had to wake up and realize that it isn't just this one thing that is going to help me feel whole and complete as a person or as a man. It also helped me see that for me I was taking T to grow and develop as a person and as an athlete. I am writing this about 4 months later and I have had some bumps along the way with some difficulties maintaining my levels and what not and changes have been exceptionally slow going. It has been hard to stay patient but I am and I still know I am doing the right thing for me. I have gotten stronger and my distance in the men's hammer has improved to 50m. I have a long way to go and it is one hell of a trip right now. I keep my head up and keep working I would like to see how far I can get in the next couple of years with this implement.