tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77307316807913406122024-03-13T16:32:53.769-04:00Transcriptions of a Trans AthleteI am Keelin Godsey an out FTM elite athlete. I compete in the hammer throw. I competed on the US national team for the Pan-american games, and narrowly missed making the Olympic team. Up till now I have competed as a woman and was pre-everything. I am now currently taking Testosterone, started 8/7/12, and am navigating the world of sports specifically track and field as a transitioning athlete. I will be trying to make it as a male hammer thrower. Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-18550536471582846352013-04-25T05:37:00.000-04:002013-04-25T05:37:14.526-04:00Enough, when is enough enough? There is so much pressure as a trans person from all around you on how to proceed once you come out. There is this pressure about when are you starting T? God forbid you say I don’t know, then it is why don’t you know? How could you not know? Isn’t this all you have wanted or is this just some phase? Now if you don’t want to start T then it is a battery of pressure and animosity. You are not trans enough, you’re not doing it right, you must not want to be a man or even see yourself as a man and you are just a woman parading around pretending to be butch insulting the trans community. There is so much pressure to start T that if it isn’t in your timeline of within 6 months of coming out barring any complications with medical practitioners you are doing it wrong.
Then there is binding, and there is only one answer to this. You MUST bind, no excuses, no whining, no titties. Since men don’t have boobs of course and so we must not, bio men just don’t have boobs, just forget about all those bio-men you’ve seen running around with tits because they just don’t exist and it is your eyes playing tricks on you. Real men don’t want tits, what they want is a crushing binder that feels like or is cutting off circulation, they want chaff from all the spandex in the summer, they want labored breathing, they want back pain, and they want crushed and cracked ribs; all in the name of being breast-less.
You better learn to stand up to pee, because if you don’t then you must be a woman, because instead of men going into the bathroom to pee what they actually do is stand there and decide whether or not you stood and pissed or sat down like a dainty lady just by the sound of your piss hitting the toilet bowel, since we all know they don’t have anything better to do. The pressure from the outside of the community is hard enough to deal with.
You must also not have any peach fuzz on your whole body because that will without a doubt give you up and everyone will know you are a woman. Your eyebrows must be a certain thickness and distance apart. You have to pack I mean duh because if you don’t see this huge bulge you must not be a man. You have to walk a certain way and have your pants and shirts a certain way and the list goes on and on. I know that this list seems ridiculous and it is but the thing is these are all things I have either heard or I have heard other FTMs tell FTMs. Yes there are certain things that have to be done to pass but they are different to everyone and not everyone wants to be the same kind of man.
The pressure of trying to find a way to fit standard heterosexual gender norms in order to “pass” however that is for each person. We try so hard to conform are actually gender identity to fit what society sees as the right way of presenting as that gender, often times stifling what we actually see ourselves as presenting as. For instance a FTM must not be flamboyant, must not show any sign of femininity. But the problem with that is that not all bio-men fit that gender presentation. It gets even harder when you get that pressure from within your own community. When the trans community is the group telling you when you don’t pass because you are to girly or not into boyish enough things. Or when there is so much pressure to be hypermasculinized that misogyny now begins to exist within the community. We become so afraid of not being man enough that we have created these impossible standards that 90% of cis-gendered/bio-males cannot meet on the best of days. Now don’t get me wrong there are FTMs that do present like this and that is how they want to be and that is great but that shouldn't be the standard or the expectation.
One reason I have felt the need to even discuss this is as a trans athlete these are things I have heard a lot. Why aren’t you transitioning? You must not really think you are man (take note of the key word think). You really aren’t trans or you wouldn’t want to compete, etc.. These are words I have heard from the transgender community. Prior to transitioning and competing as a woman I had a very hard time finding a place in the FTM community despite the fact that the only part of my life I wasn’t presenting and passing as a man was track. It was so much pressure to try and fit in within the community and try to find a way to present myself in a way to feel like I fit in and belonged. The more I tried the more I felt like an outsider because I didn’t and still don’t bind everyday well at least on weekends, because I am not ashamed of saying I have a vagina, because I don’t need to be stealth and because I still competed as a woman. I spent so much time trying to be “ENOUGH” for everyone else to try and find a place in a community I was trying to advocate for that I began to lose track of the kind of man I was and wanted to be. I feel like that is one of the hardest things to navigate during transition is becoming the man you are not the man that you are being told to be. I finally had to step back and many years of therapy and begin to accept myself especially in the later stages of my throwing career as a woman. I had to say I am ok with the man I am because I began to realize that if I wasn’t who was going to be. I stepped back and said to myself you know what I got boobs and dammit I am not going to keep them down while lifting because I am not as good in the weight room or throwing when I do and it is not healthy, so fuck it. I stopped seeing myself as less trans or not trans enough because no one can tell anyone how to be them and that that person is not enough of anything. It took a lot of time and it is something I still struggle with but it needs to happen. It is something we all need to do as trans people because we need to be able to see within ourselves the men and women we are. We need to step back from pressuring each other into stereotypes and boxes and 1950s gender roles and just allow people to be the people they are. No man or woman is a certain way and we shouldn’t be either. I am a FTM jock that is a extreme feminist and you know what I don’t beat my chest and love to watch sports I actually really am not a fan of sports on TV except track and basketball but I love opera and poetry and the arts. I am both masculine and extremely feminine at the same time and I am ok with that.
Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-71139333540721229062012-12-06T22:09:00.001-05:002012-12-06T22:09:27.916-05:00my 1st shot 8/7/12So it finally came the infamous 1st shot, my so called 1st day of my becoming a man (despite always being one). It should have came almost a week earlier I had my script filled the vial of testosterone and the needles in my hand and it took almost a week to be able to decide then and there I was going to do it. I could bring myself to give the shot before that I was still going back and forth with it whether or not I still wanted to compete as female and try to make the World team or just stop and throw on the men's side. I had at that time before I even went to the pharmacy to drop the script off made that decision more or less it was just the committing to that decision. It was actually saying I am done and I am moving on. It was scary and it paralyzed me for a long time. I felt like I could stop going back and forth with to compete or not compete. It seems weird at times that in all seriousness that was all that kept me from not transitioning for the longest time. Then when I had everything right in front of me ready to go I couldn't do it. And it all came down to not being able to compete again. It was really hard to commit to the decision to stop competing. It has been such a large part of my life and pretty much the biggest part of my identity and it felt like I was throwing it away. I was ready to start T but at the same time I really wasn't ready to stop competing to stop throwing and I really don't know how to be without throwing in my life. I made the decision to begin transitioning and continue competing but as a male hammer thrower. I started throwing the 16 pound implement. I finally made the ultimate decision to inject after really debating and deciding that it needed to happen and I knew all along I just had to face it. I realized I had done so much already and I wanted to end on a high note and I didn't know if I could if I kept competing in the same capacity. I am getting old and I didn't know if I could maintain at the same level. I knew that I wanted to throw with the men and that time was now if I was going to have any shot at doing anything with the men's hammer.
I found my shot to be one of the more anticlimactic moments of my life. I thought I would feel this huge tension come off my shoulders and I thought I would feel whole. But I didn't, I didn't regret it and I still don't but I never felt that sense of completeness. It was a humbling experience in that I still had to wake up and realize that it isn't just this one thing that is going to help me feel whole and complete as a person or as a man. It also helped me see that for me I was taking T to grow and develop as a person and as an athlete.
I am writing this about 4 months later and I have had some bumps along the way with some difficulties maintaining my levels and what not and changes have been exceptionally slow going. It has been hard to stay patient but I am and I still know I am doing the right thing for me. I have gotten stronger and my distance in the men's hammer has improved to 50m. I have a long way to go and it is one hell of a trip right now. I keep my head up and keep working I would like to see how far I can get in the next couple of years with this implement. Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-85939798636378228292012-10-07T19:46:00.001-04:002012-10-07T19:46:52.292-04:00Interview with Ann Schatz After the olympic trials<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7Nvlz2nfNvQ?fs=1" width="480"></iframe>Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-9379544795479383342012-06-21T00:03:00.001-04:002012-06-21T00:03:26.350-04:00olympic trialsTomorrow I am competing at the Olympic trials. I am gonna give them hell and everything else I got. I know I am ready but i have never been so nervous.
Balls to the wall
More posts to come after this since I have a lot of topics I want to addressTrans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-1488526227255041102011-10-25T14:33:00.002-04:002011-10-25T14:37:26.079-04:00Pan American Games UpdateI got 5th at the Pan American Games!! I threw 67.84m which is the 3rd best throw of my career. I wish I had thrown a little farther but who doesn't that's why I do this. This was such an awesome experience I can not say enough about it. I got to see a throwing idol of mine throw and throw really far which was awesome and hell I got to compete with her and that was even better. I am really pleased with my performance and thrilled that I got the honor to represent the United States I don't think that has really sunk in yet that I was/am a member of the national team. :DTrans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-533731339094452822011-09-09T05:54:00.001-04:002011-09-09T05:55:03.959-04:00US National TeamI am officially a member of the US National Track and Field team representing/competing for the US at the Pan American Games.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-3897834567595742862011-07-12T18:20:00.002-04:002011-07-12T18:23:20.340-04:00USATF NationalsSo it has been awhile and I can't believe I haven't said anything about this, But... <br />I got 3rd at USATF nationals in the hammer throw which is huge. I had a huge Personal Best throw of 68.90m or 226ft. I am 10cm away from making the US national team for the World championships and I have until 8/8/11 to hit that mark. I am chasing it currently. I am competing this weekend and hoping to hit it. I am stoked and I may be able to make the Pan-American Games US National team!!<br /><br />More updating to come soonTrans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-9805804818322931482011-04-14T20:35:00.002-04:002011-04-14T20:55:40.316-04:00Above and beyond or just equalLately I have found and experienced that there is this assumption people have that when they respect my gender identity and presentation and appropriately call me by male pronouns even they know I wasn't born male there is underlying assumption that I owe them. I feel like this happens more so in the professional setting but definitely happens else where. It is really frustrating. People assume that by respecting my identity and by treating me like they would if I were male or if I were female and wanted to present as female that I owe them. I don't know what I owe them since all I am getting is the respect of me as a person that I show each of them everyday or they so each other every day. I don't understand why being treated as an equal correlates to being treated above and beyond or as special when an employer knows your trans and they respect your pronoun choice and treat me similar to others. I am happy that you do and I want you to and don't get me wrong I am grateful. But the thing is I shouldn't have to be grateful I shouldn't have to be so afraid to not be treated as equal that I feel obligated to stick around somewhere that isn't right just because my trans identity is respected. Nor should it be assumed that if you do respect me and treat me like a person rather than judge me and treat me like garbage that I some how owe you, that I have to make it up to you, that I have to go above and beyond what is expected of everyone else or else I am seen as a slacker. Nor should it be assumed that being so "understanding" is going above and beyond on their part and being especially awesome or whatever it is. I do not owe anyone anything for allowing me to be me as if they could allow me or should have that power. Treating me equally and like everyone else despite what you know about my identity does not make you special and have special power over me, and doesn't mean I am at your becking call and owe you a damn thing.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-20601528100481854852011-03-17T20:36:00.002-04:002011-03-17T20:38:30.899-04:00GLSEN Sports Projecthttp://sports.glsen.org/<br />This is the link to the GLSEN Sports Project, PLEASE check it out. This is an amazing project and awesome work done to protect Student athletes that Identify under the GLBTQQAI spectrum. I can not emphasize enough the importance of this and how crucial the Work of Pat GriffinTrans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-57396709959313899302011-03-11T21:44:00.006-05:002011-03-20T18:54:35.857-04:00Competing as a non-passing person without the comforts of a teamI compete as an unattached athlete. What that means is that I am not affiliated with any team, and since I am no longer in College I am obviously not associated with any college or university as far as who I affiliate with in my personal competition. The environment and relationships of a team can be amazingly helpful with trying to traverse the complexities of being a gender non-conforming person trying to survive in a binary world. Sometimes being part of a team is both a curse and a savior. The team can be a safety blanket that protects from the outside jerks. Sometimes a team though can be where all the hate, anxiety and issues come from and the fear that prevents people from coming out. When I was in College being a part of the team really helped me with navigating everything. One of most crucial things were bathrooms and locker rooms. I never really passed as female or as male since I was 18, and going off of campus was always difficult because of the danger of bathrooms and locker rooms and just dealing with ignorant fools. My team helped me a lot to go places and not have trouble using the bathrooms and protecting me from all the people who had issues with how I looked, was or whatever. <br />Currently I train with a team but I coach them and I don't really compete with them and when I do travel with them it is as their coach not their teammate which makes a big difference. Navigating track meets as a person that doesn't pass as either male or female without a team is a little hairy at times. For instance the bathroom/locker room. I am entered into the meet as female competitor, I do not bind and am generally wearing tighter clothes as a uniform underneath t-shirt and shorts but this doesn't change the fact that I have very short hair, and a relatively masculine build. I often have a lot of trouble going to track meets and using the bathroom and well holding it all day is that great either when you are trying to throw very far. :p It is really complicated going into bathrooms when my partner isn't there to help either. It always causes drama because a "boy" is in the women's bathroom, and I really don't feel comfortable at meets going into the men's room because I don't have the confidence that I pass at all. Then to compete unattached, I am the man throwing with the women especially when people don't know me or I go to a new meet around unfamiliar teams that haven't been around me since college. It is hard, sometimes it is hard to keep in the competition mind set when you are the "tranny-it" the "he-she" the "man" trying to compete with the women. It is times like that when having supportive teammates really help, you are no longer an individual you are part of a team something bigger than the I. I am often competing with just me my coach doesn't often travel with me and it makes it hard to navigate the dilemmas of when I am confronted with people trying to get at me being like I am on steroids, I am using T I am cheating in some way because visibly I don't fit the mold of what they think a female athlete should fit in. I often find myself wishing there were more resources and help for us athletes out of college, and highschool that identify under the gender-queer transgender spectrum to navigate the sporting world and act as a security blanket when our identity our abilities to compete fairly and our safety is being jeopardized by the coaches, spectators and athletes around us.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-53386464738043501092011-02-10T19:33:00.000-05:002011-02-10T19:34:19.103-05:00CompetitionI am competing tomorrow at BU. Getting Psyched to throw far.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-47053154875867459032010-12-18T20:03:00.003-05:002010-12-18T20:19:01.751-05:00Quick Rant on introductionsRecently I have been getting really annoyed with the need to say how many months your on T or state that your pre-T or surgery whenever the need to introduce yourself to people on the transgender spectrum or other FTM identified people arises. I don't understand why it has to be mentioned, do I have to prove that I belong here? Is it a way for me to rank myself among others? Is it a way to deduce where I belong? I don't understand it. I hate saying my name is and I am pre-everything. Then at the same time I hate it when I say I am pre-everything and I am instantly placed in this "child" like view and I know nothing about life or anything else. It is rather frustrating. Why is there this masculinity check based off the length in time a person has been on T? In my experience it seems like a person's masculinity, manliness and rating of who is a better man is based off T and surgery and how long a person has been on T or how much surgery a person has. It infuriates me because there is so much more to what makes a man, and it also leaves out so many men that can't take T for medical reasons, or whatever reasons they have. It sucks having to introduce yourself in a FTM forum and then being asked how long on T or something else like that, then being honest and getting treated like a second-class citizen after that.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-11661885246194468502010-12-10T09:51:00.005-05:002010-12-13T06:19:22.904-05:00updatesSo I know it has been a while since I had really posted something. This is in part has been me being a bit weary about posting something that wasn't positive or at least hopefully or productive I guess. Things recently have been really rough and a lot of stuff has not been positive. I have been trying to work on stuff and figure stuff out and try to adjust to a new job and new place. In my efforts of trying not to be a gloomy Gus I began to realize that I started this blog to give another perspective of being trans, the stages of transitioning, and the complication of being a competitive athlete and transgender at the same time, and in that I started hiding more because of the fear that my negativity about somethings would put a damper on things and also deter people away. At the same time these negative experiences are what I go through have been the main aspect of my life right now and how to navigate through them and deal with them. <br />I wanted to start by addressing some emails I have received recently on whether or not I am going to join in the "It gets better" campaign. I am not, for the main reason being I am still waiting for it to get better. I can't say it does when I just haven't experienced it yet, I would feel like I am lying and I can't do that. I know it gets better for a lot of people, and I know and believe that Kids NEED to believe that and that it is important for them to have something to believe in, but that isn't my experience and I can't lie about that. I have dealt for years with negativity of being a part of the LGBT community and I am still waiting for it to improve. I have lost jobs, had to leave jobs, lost family, and friends and had the shit beaten out of me. This is real and it is painful and it is something I continue to navigate on a regular basis. I know it can get better but it is a lot more complicated than that and sometimes being told that is just as a blow as the negativity getting thrown at you. I say that because I know when things were really tough which really were only a matter of months ago that last thing I wanted to hear was It gets better; because to me that is like "oh well, I know this sucks but just deal and someday it will get better" When will it? And it is nice that it does but what do I do until then, how do I get through all this, how do I convince myself that this is worth the future of better? I think tools should be given to help people get through what they are getting through not just words. For these reasons I can not add to it, I don't think I am the right person. <br />But it is for these reasons, it is for these negativities and for all the shit that LGBT youth go through that things need to change. So that brings into the next update. I have the honor to be a part of an advisory group for the GLSEN Sports Project being headed by Pat Griffin. This project is attempting to make sports and PE classes safe spaces and equally available to all LGBT youth. I am so happy to be a part of this advisory group and it was great to be able to go to NY and meet all the amazing people involved in it. I am really pleased with all the different perspectives and ideas that were brought up and really excited by what this is going to bring about. This is truely important and very necessary in a day and age where we are as a society waking up to the very real reality of being Queer in schools and the fact the bullying is out of control and taking the lives of kids. Sports are a place of socialization but at the same time they are also one scariest places for LGBT youth and adults for that matter, and they can also be one of the most unsafe places for LGBT people. It shouldn't be that way, people shouldn't be afraid of being who they because they are athletes or enjoy sports. Kids shouldn't be terrified to go into a locker room to change for gym class. Kids shouldn't be treating people the way they are because they are not gender normative or heteronormative. This is a very real and serious issue. I am happy that GLSEN and Pat are putting this together and grabbing the bull by the balls and addressing these issues and others, so that kids can be themselves and feel safe doing it in their home away from home, school.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-60734170538819238182010-11-04T19:51:00.002-04:002010-11-04T19:53:01.355-04:00Another trans-athleteThis is a very well written article about a young man playing division 1 college basketball. He is very brave and I am glad his university has been handling as well as it appears. I hope that he doesn't need to deal any negativity and he can focus on excelling at his sport. <br />http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/24-people/338-transgender-man-to-play-for-womens-basketball-teamTrans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-86079053940901932462010-10-19T11:48:00.003-04:002010-10-19T11:54:00.047-04:00In Memory of Coach Joe WoodheadYesterday my coach Joe Woodhead past away. This is a huge loss for track and field, Bates College, throwing, division III athletics and to his family, me and all the people that had the honor of having him in our lives. He dedicated his life to coaching and made his athletes feel like family. He was a great coach, teacher and man. If it wasn't for him I would have never thrown, and acquired all successes I have had in my career as a thrower, and in my life outside of throwing. He was like a grandfather to me and taught me more about being a good human being and to be the best in life than anyone else has. <br />Thank you Coach for everything you have done, for your dedication, your passion and belief and in all your athletes. If it wasn't for you I don't think I would have finished college, Thank you. You are and were loved very much and will be greatly missed. <br />RIP Coach Woodhead <3Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-37415881371324551952010-10-12T08:31:00.003-04:002010-10-12T08:50:53.413-04:00NCLR Report Part 2I haven't had a chance to really talk about how much this report that the NCLR and It takes a team wrote up. I have the link in the last post, and once again I want to thank Pat and Helen for all their work and advocacy to create this. <br />Why is this important? This is important because as a transgender athlete no matter where you are in the spectrum of transitioning and coming out, sports currently are not conducive to our identities and do not support differences in gender identities and presentations. There are many talented and passionate athletes that can not and will not reach their full potential because of the barriers innately in place because of current sport doctorine. When I came out in college I was terrified not so much of being out but of losing my opportunity to compete and be an athlete. There were no guidelines, or resources for me at all. This report is an excellent resource for athletes, coaches, teammates, athletic director, and competitors. It allows for a safer environment for trans-athletes to come out, compete, and be themselves fully. The stress will still be there, the fear will probably still be there, because I don't think it is possible to come out and begin living as that person without fear and stress. But Now we can come out knowing there are people there to help us, there are reccommended guidelines, and there are resources to help. <br />There are athletes that hide who they are until the.y finally can't take it anymore and leave the sports or worse because sports don't allow us to be who we are. We are not able to compete at our fullest, because we have to deal with the stress of either hiding who we are to everyone else, including ourselves sometimes. Or we are who we are and we are dealing with the discrimination, hate, and misunderstanding of everyone. We are often times not competing to the best of our abilities since as everyone knows ya can't be at the top of your game if you are being pulled in a thousand different directions. This report allows us some relief, something to refer people to, something to use as a guide so it isn't up to us solely. <br />I hope that more and more people are able to find themselves in a place to be able to come out and be more comfortable to be who they are so that we are not seen as taboos anymore.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-11423368878692094982010-10-04T18:19:00.002-04:002010-10-04T18:22:39.778-04:00Trans athletes rightsThis is the report the NCLR, and it takes a team, and the women's sports foundation created. It helps make competitive sports more accessible and inclusive to transgender athletes. This is an amazing document that can really change a lot of lives and help all of trans athletes be ourselves and still be able to compete!!!<br />http://nclrights.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/groundbreaking-report-urges-high-school-and-college-athletics-to-establish-standard-national-policies-for-transgender-student-athletes/Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-24281551379039558482010-09-10T19:07:00.002-04:002010-09-10T19:29:09.196-04:00Taking gender away from athleteI was having a discussion with some people most of whom are on the trans-spectrum and I was asked how can I compete as woman and not have that innately bother me and destroy my self-image anymore. I never really thought of it as that. For me I am not a female athlete, I am just an athlete, a thrower. I never really thought of myself as a female or a male thrower only as a thrower. When I enter that circle it is the only time I can be completely gender-free and be completely free of the gender stigmatizations. While I may compete in the female division, most of us aren't there trying to prove our femininism or our status as a woman we are trying to be great athletes. I have had to prove my "femaleness" at meets but even with that the circle and the competition are my forms of heaven. I am free to be what I want to be, I control everything in that space, I can be me without any worry of what is "it". <br /> For me sports were always my way of getting away. I had trouble dealing with my identity because I didn't know what was "wrong" with me until I was much older and until then I felt alone, helpless and completely lost and disgusted with what I saw myself as. No matter what the sport I was competing in I was able to escape during those moments, because I could be seen as an athlete and nothing else. I am an athlete, and when i am seen as such I feel whole. Being an athlete is gender-less to me, it is my way is stepping away from the constraints of being male or female or being lost in translation somewhere in between. An athlete is so much more then male or female it is character description, a sign of passion, a way of life, a religon, a cult it is so much more than male or female. <br />An Athlete is an athlete simply put and for me that is freedom.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-42695036536623401102010-09-10T18:48:00.002-04:002010-09-10T19:07:33.132-04:00TurmoilSo the last few months has been crazy. I have been dealing with a lot of inner and outer turmoil all around my identity. I am still at this PT clinic, I still hate my job. I love you my patients and working with them but working with my boss is what I imagine working for Stalin would be like. I need to take control of this, grab a bull by the balls and stand up for myself and leave this job. I just afraid to be jobless no matter the time period. My job has been really testing me psychologically, being called she all day long, having it over emphasized so that the patients have no doubt "what I am", being called a cold hard person and told I need to let go. Well what am I supposed to let go of when I can't be myself in this environment? I am tired of being told I eat too much, I am athlete we eat! <br /> My inner turmoil I feel like has in-part been fueled by how hard work has drained me, and in part due to how much pain my body has been experiencing recently. I have been fighting a lot with myself on what to do with the rest of my life. I have been doing a lot of thinking about transitioning and I have started therapy which has helped a lot. I have been struggling with the fear of leaving everything (at least that is what it feels like) behind and transition which I am more and more wanting and needing. I started to realize that I have been putting my life on hold for 6-8 meets a year, that I am miserable every other day of the year. But I am also torn because I really want to be a trans activist a trans-athlete activist, but at the same time I am wondering if I may make a bigger impact as a transitioned man competing in the men's field. It is scary though sports is my safe place. I also started to realize that I am driving 2 hours once a week to go to Therapy, I don't know if I would be willing to do that if there wasn't something that needs to change. <br />I want to make it last my dreams in track, but I am wondering if it is really starting to hurt me both physically and mentally.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-20642322224728589352010-08-20T17:42:00.000-04:002010-08-20T17:43:59.551-04:00InvictusOut of the night that covers me,<br />Black as the Pit from pole to pole,<br />I thank whatever gods may be<br />For my unconquerable soul.<br /><br />In the fell clutch of circumstance<br />I have not winced nor cried aloud.<br />Under the bludgeonings of chance<br />My head is bloody, but unbowed.<br /><br />Beyond this place of wrath and tears<br />Looms but the Horror of the shade,<br />And yet the menace of the years<br />Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.<br /><br />It matters not how strait the gate,<br />How charged with punishments the scroll.<br />I am the master of my fate:<br />I am the captain of my soul. <br /><br />William Ernest Henley<br /><br />I think this poem says it allTrans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-22936180370872309082010-08-17T08:19:00.004-04:002010-08-17T21:26:30.155-04:00My recent vacationI recently went on vacation to Provincetown, Ma; the cape's version of gay town USA. I went there with my fiance and my best friend and her wife, it was great except for a whole week I was a lesbian. I thought being in ptown I would more accepted for myself, but it was harder for me to be a man there than it was anywhere else other than work. It was really unnerving. I would go out and only be seen as a woman, a butch dyke out in Ptown. I thought this place was friendly but I really never felt it. At one point I was getting ready to drop about 300$ in MG Leather and the owner was feeling my arms and grabbed my ass thinking I was some hot dyke, but the minute I said I was not a dyke I am a trans guy I got instantly treated like a disgusting It. First of all don't touch me I have a personal bubble stay the fuck in it. Second of all why am I hot as a dyke but the minute I am something else I am disgusting? I walked out after she said she could tell a tranny from a mile a way. Well this tranny walked the fuck out of that. It was like that every where I went. It was really hard. I don't talk generally when I am out in public, and I bound every day all day and so I was really hurt by this. I thought I passed better as long as I didn't talk than I apparently do. I had a lot trouble dealing with this. I never identified as a lesbian, it never worked for me. I am not expecting people to know my sexuality and quite frankly it isn't their business unless I am sleeping with you. I just wish that I passed better.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-57667151234478939212010-08-09T21:58:00.002-04:002010-08-09T21:59:46.592-04:00how do you knowHow do you know it is time to put up the gloves and just transition? How the hell do you figure it out. Is it when it is all you can think about, or when is consumes all your thoughts. How do people know? How do people decide when it is time to just do it?Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-91817483435154604332010-07-19T06:08:00.002-04:002010-07-19T06:11:10.760-04:00Season's bestI hit a season's best yesterday of 65.16m which is about 213ft. I am very pleased with this since I had to take a couple of weeks off of throwing and focus in the weight room to really focus on studying for the boards. <br /><br />On a non-track note, I am beginning to contact therapists with a specialty in gender identity so i can start to talk with someone about what's going on my head and try to figure out what I need to do to be happy.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-68795990429836649192010-07-07T17:30:00.004-04:002010-07-07T20:31:51.649-04:00ChoicesI am getting to a point in my life where I need to really think about whether or not I want to continue throwing or hang up my hammers and start transitioning. I am starting to realize that my involvement in track and field is really hindering my ability to function at an equal level to my peers. I am trying to really hard to not let this one bad work situation be the make it or break it of the rest of my life, but I wish I could say that this attitude, this treatment, and transphobia is what I deal with on an everyday basis whether or not I am at work or not. I want to be seen as an equal and right now because I don't fit anyones standards of appropriate gender norms it is preventing that. I love being a physical therapist. It was never what I imagined myself doing but I am so happy I am doing it. I know I am able to be a great physical therapist but I don't think I can do it or be given the opportunity to do in the current state I am in. I don't know if I am ready to leave track though, I really feel like I have begun to sing and that I could really do a lot in the next two years. I just don't know if it is worth it and honestly I don't know if I will ever know. I think part of it is me not being ready to leave throwing. Throwing is my whole life, I have sacrificed everything for throwing and now I don't really know what to do without it. I don't have any other hobbies, I throw and lift weights as my hobby, I can still do all those things it is just without the competition which is what makes it so enjoyable. I am also worried that throwing is my form of stress relief and it is a large part of what helped me stop cutting. I am afraid that if I leave track then I won't have the stress relief that I need, and I don't know what I will do without it. I have worked really hard to continue not cutting and I afraid leaving track will open that door open again. I feel ridiculous that I am in this stiuation, I pride myself on being stronger and more adjusted than this, but I really am at a loss as to what to do without track. What is making it harder, is I really define a lot of myself as a thrower. The first time I really found happiness was in the throwing circle, about the only place I still feel happiness is in the throwing circle. I don't know what is going to fill that void. <br />On the flip side though I wonder if I would be happier and not need throwing to define myself if I started living my life as the person I know I can be and I started looking and becoming physically and in turn more emotionally that person. I also think part of it is that I am so afraid of the unknown and disappointing people. I guess I feel like if I leave track I will really disappoint people and that I gave up on doing what I said I wanted to try and do, and I will just let people down if I leave track. I understand that my decision to live my life has nothing to do with anyone else, but I wish I could see that as reality. <br />I don't really know what to do, I wish there was a magic button that I could push that would tell me what to do and that would be that. I will be honest I am leaning towards leaving track. I have a lot of goals I want to achieve as a physical therapist. I want to get myself out there for the trans community to have someone to go to, I want to run camps and sports teams for the severely disabled and I want to be seen as a professional and for the talented PT I could become. Right now it is not as I am right now. My field is very homophobic and transphobic and heteronormative so I think I need to re-work my life plan. <br />I am going to get started with a therapist so I can get some help with this and really get the ball rolling if transitioning the way I chose to go. <br />I just have remember it is my choice and only mine.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7730731680791340612.post-18880418566298367802010-07-05T07:43:00.003-04:002010-07-05T08:15:31.689-04:00UpdatesWriting has been really hard recently. Not hard to find time or anything but more emotionally hard, so I have found myself avoiding it. I don't want to relive shit, I don't want to be reminded of anything because I am already having trouble dealing with what is currently going on. I am stuck in limbo right now at a job where my requests of respecting my identity is ignored and I am stuck as a female employee that at every possible chance is identified as female so no one questions it. I can' leave, but I don't have anything else to fall on and staying is really testing my strength. It has been hard for me to handle, I was really optimistic (something I am often not) that I would be treated as a professional and instead I am finding out otherwise. It makes me really nervous about the future and how I am going to be taken seriously as a practitioner and as nothing else. I love doing my job, I love helping people and helping them live with less pain, and do things again, but the field is very heteronormative, homophobic, transphobic. How does a non-gender normative, certainly not straight, trans guy succeed? The double edged sword about it all is that my patients don't seem to have any issues with me, most of them call me he too. I say it is a double edged sword because while my identity is recongized by patients it is either "corrected" by the other employees or is used later to get me in trouble because I didn't correct them. I don't know if I need to educate the owner more which is something I am more than willing to do, I just actually don't think it is going to make a difference. <br />I have changed myself a lot to be more professional for work. I don't talk about anything especially anything to do with me. I have a conventional hair cut now, my tattoos are hiden, I have removed most of my piercings, I dress really conservatively for a guy. All of that isn't important though because it didn't work. I wish I could understand what is so offensive about my gender presentation, my gender identity, my gender that offends people so much. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happen to me but I can't. It makes me so angry I get so angry at other trans people then to because I feel like I can't find solice with that community either. I feel like an outsider every where I am. I don't belong anywhere. I get so angry because I have been through so much and as childish as this sounds how much more do I have to deal with. Life is hard I know, and everything happens for a reason, but it is exhausting to be strong all the time, to fight and fight just for a glimpse of hope of being treated fairly. I really just don't know what to do.Trans-forming Athletehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05291632338975936829noreply@blogger.com0