Educating the Educators

I am debating emailing the head of the Physical Therapy department at my university. I want to discuss there lack of knowledge in dealing with GLBTQA cases aka "students". They need a very direct and concise education on appropriate language, terminology, and needs of students. My experience in my internship that I technically failed because of my "gender issues" has lit a fire underneath my ass. My university advisor who has been handling this case and making sure I don't fail and making sure my next internship has an oh shit plan, while she has been great has not been great as well. My clinical internship teacher specifically used the term "gender issues" and said that is why I failed. My advisor addresses everything we have done as taking care of this issue. Now I want to be clear I don't have a gender issue the only issue are the people around me. There is a need to educate so that the student isn't blamed for others' ignorance and mis-education.

Losing Identity

Recently I have been feeling like I am losing my identity. I find it hard to explain though. I know who I am, I know what I am trying to be, and all that but at the same time I feel as though I am losing my grip on it. It's like my palms are sweating and I can't hold to the bar I am power cleaning anymore. I'm starting to see the facade I have been playing up really hard has been crashing down and I am no longer seen as a guy but as instead as a butch dyke or a tranny. I am starting to feel that I can no longer pass. I don't know what to be seen as a tranny because when I am seen as such then too comes all the ignorant stereotypes and stigmatization's, most of which aren't really me. A lot of my identity comes from sport, really almost of my identity comes from sport. It comes from everything I feel when I compete: the power and strength, the ability to become anything I want, the ability to walk into the circle and know that I am one of the best and I will be damned if I go down easy. Sport also gave me the only place in the world I was safe or at least I could control what I would let touch/affect me. Ever since I had my knee surgery I haven't been able to throw or lift the way I like. This is a much needed time off and surgery and will make me a better athlete but at the same time it is taking a part of my identity away. I am lucky enough to have good genetics for muscle build and so I would go to the weight room to get good at a sport but also to look like a man. I would lift "like a man", I would take great pleasure out of lifting more then most men, I would work my ass off to look like a man over being good.
Not being able to be in my comfort zone at my sport has left me feeling naked with my identity. My sport while being my biggest hurdle as far as preventing me to transition but in a way is my crutch. It allows me to not have to face the fact on who I am. It helps me hide and just be an athlete and not a trans person. I have spent most of my life hating who I am and not understanding what why I was who I am. I came out in college and in a way went back in the closet after college because of what happen when I came out, I just hid in my sport and never denied what I was I just never said. Taking the last month off completely as well as some other things has made me question my identity as in "Did I do the right thing?" I am starting to believe that throwing myself completely into my sport and becoming a student and an athlete and nothing else I ruined myself. I have been debating even going back to my sport right now and just start transitioning but the fear of failure and not being able to throw afterwards prevents me. My identity is becoming more trans and not less of an athlete it is just starting to even out. My disappointment is not being able to entirely be both, the rules don't allow it. That is what sucks about sports sometimes in its exclusion of people to create the best field of competitors there are some left out many of whom were the best.

Privilege of Passing

I was at the Transcending Boundaries this weekend and went to a workshop on the privilege of passing. I found this to be a very enlightening and amazing workshop. There was a great range of age, trans men and women, gender queer, and so on. It was really nice to discuss the difficulty of passing each of have in our given gender and life and how it is a privilege to pass as your gender. I often struggle with the privilege of passing or the ability to pass and how it does and doesn't affect my ability to live and breathe as who I am. I often times am told that if one displays themselves with confidence then one will pass a whole lot better; or not many really people care about your gender expression. While I agree more with the latter, none are entirely true. Yes confidence has a lot to do with, but lets be honest some people as hard as they try and as much confidence as they may have some of us trans folk can not pass, I am one of them. Confidence can go far in queer communities sometimes far in friendly communities but in the rest of the world confidence in my experience mean jack. The biggest theme of this workshop was displaying oneself with confidence, and how that saves all and fixes all.
The thought of passing has always interested me. I find that there isn't just one way to pass and there are both pros and cons for all levels of passing. For instance if you completely pass as your gender identity then quite often you are not welcome in the Trans community because you are not "queering gender" enough. If you don't pass as I don't whether it be for body shape, facial features, voice, etc... the trans community will sometimes take you in it depends and then the non-trans world knows that you are not "normal" Then what about people who don't want to pass, who are gender queer, or FTM or MTF with no desire to transition; should passing matter on the general public? Or should passing matter on the individual's belief that they are passing how they want to? I feel like it should be the latter but I don't know if the world would ever be ready to let go of the dispositions especially on gender.
Passing in my life is a privilege a privilege I don't have. Passing is always a privilege though since it is rather expensive to pay for the medical procedures and therapy in order to pass. Passing effects everything from relationships to jobs. Everything changes based on how you pass, or what you pass as. People aren't ready to let go of the very strong beliefs on gender and how it should be presented and I just don't know if passing is as simple as leaving the house with confidence.

Coaching

I began volunteer coaching at MIT yesterday and I always forget when I am not doing it how much I LOVE to coach. I adore coaching, I love watching people learn and get better at things and knowing I had a slight hand in it. I also love coaching because it is one of the only things I have in my life that isn't affected by gender or sexuality. My athletes don't care whether I am male or female or how I represent my gender identity. All my athletes care about are my credentials as a thrower, an athlete, a coach. They care about what can I give them, what can I teach them and most importantly how hard I am going to push them at practice :p . But they don't care about how I look or how I identify they just care about how am I going to make them a better thrower. That is what I love about coaching. It is pure, it is sport and when I am coaching or even when I am throwing everyone around me is just an athlete or a coach they are a member of that sport and that is it; they don't have anything other than what they can and can't do in the throwing circle. Our only flaws are technical flaws that prevent us from throwing farther. I guess that is what makes leaving sports so hard, the ability to either participate or coach and be who I am without the judgment. It has always amazed me that when I am coaching college athletes we are laughing and having a good time and everything but I always catch myself wondering if that is how they would feel if they knew me outside of track or would they only see me for my "flaws"?

Another step back for gay marriage

New York has denied the right for gays to get married. I think a new approach has to be tried since the current/old one isn't working.
Apparently the decency of people is not what we have hoped and that the majority of people don't care about people's civil rights until it is their civil rights being taken away.

Civil Rights should never be voted on ever!

Relationships

Relationships have always been really hard for me for numerous reasons. I had trouble trusting people, committing to people, I wasn't comfortable with who I was and so on. I used to date lesbians and had a lot of trouble with finding lesbians that were comfortable with my gender identity so those never lasted long. I always had trouble connecting with people. A lot of that had to do with my lack of understanding of my own gender identity and difficulty putting together an identity and expression that worked for me. It is impossible to connect with someone when you can't even connect with yourself and see yourself as an out of body entity taking this shell as a temporary habitat till a more suitable one arrives.
As with every relationship sex is eventually a big part of it. I found this is what stopped me from having meaningful relationships with women. I was never pleased sexually because they didn't know how to touch me and couldn't touch how I wanted them to because it conflicted with who they were sexually. I also wouldn't let women touch me, I didn't want to be a woman and never saw myself as one and instead of explaining how I want to be touched I just took all the attention off of me so they didn't touch me. A huge part of my gender identity is based around my place in my relationships with my partners and for a long time I lost with them too.
I met a woman that helped me feel masculine and supported my coming out but in return couldn't be seen out in public with me, or with friends unless I was the Trans boyfriend, because she needed to be queer and I wasn't queer enough unless I was telling my story. That was a hard relationship to be in. It is hard as a young tranny and not having felt comfortable in any relationship to leave a relationship with someone that finally started to make me feel the way I wanted to. I stayed in an abusive relationship out of fear that I wouldn't be accepted by anyone else stupidly. Having talked to other trans men and women I now I know I am not the only one, and the fact that there are more is a shame because we should feel and know that we can be accepted and need to leave the abusive relationships to get it.

I wanted to give a quick background on my experiences in relationships but the real reason I wrote this was because of my current partner. I was at the conference Transcending Boundaries in Worcester this weekend and as I was in one of the workshops I was sitting there realizing that I have grown a lot. It sounds really corny and adolescent to say but I really wouldn't be where I am mentally without her. When I met her I was terrified of living as a out trans man, I was still very disgusted with who I was and what I was. My partner brought out a man in me I knew was there but never thought would come out, by only seeing me as her man and nothing else. Her support and gentle pushing to be who I am helped me even show my face in trans communities and then feel brave enough to then go to conferences like TIC and Transcending Boundaries. My Partner's belief in trans rights and her knowledge in Trans history and support of the community also helped me feel more comfortable. She helps give me strength to be who I am. I have been told several times that it is unhealthy to base our identities around someone and I don't. I will always be who I am now even if she was here she helped me find that person. We are all affected by people and especially those closest to us. I still have trouble with my identity in this relationship and it isn't perfect but I never really appreciated till today how far I came because of her.

Transgender Day of Rememberance

This is a link someone informed me of. It is deeply sad, but very much a perfect statement for today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKCMONBGcpc

As fitting for the day it is also Pouring in Boston.