Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Voice Coach

Does any know a good voice coach in the Boston area or advice on masculinizing a voice with out T? I am trying very to pass as a male 24/7 and my voice I believe is my biggest achiles heel. It is effecting my positions in school, internships and jobs.
Thank you!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Approval from those that will never give it is the most desireable

I am out in Colorado to see my parents for xmas, and I have been doing this since I was 18. I told my parents 4 years ago that I am Trans, plan on transitioning after the 2012 olympic trials and that I will be going by my chosen name and it has been legally changed. As I said in a previous post none of this went over too well. In fact it really ruined what if any relationship I had with my parents at the time. My mom is trying so I am a little forgiving of the mistakes, but my father is the big problem. He refuses to acknowledge my name change and has since I told him, he refuses to acknowledge anything I told him really. He justifies to himself by saying that he has always wanted a little girl and will never let go of the fact that I was his daughter since that was all that he ever wanted as far as children go. That is all fine and dandy but ever since I was born I was never a little girl, I was nothing close to daddy's little girl and everyone in my family except my father recognizes that. While I am home this time it has been very apparent that he will not let go of the fact that I am his daughter, putting me in the kitchen to work and generally treating me like a "dumb woman" something he has done forever and something I have always resented. When I guess you could say his daughter I was miserable and miserable to be around. I was institutionalized most of my senior year of high school for self-inflicted injuries, being gay and wanting to kill myself. When I accepted myself as being trans I finally let go of all the baggage I was holding onto and became a little happier and a whole lot more successful. Being at my parents house has made me realize that my father would rather me be the suicidal, cutting mess of a girl that I was then the happy, successful man that I am becoming. I can't in words explain how much that hurts, I don't think I ever could. I have never been close with my father but I also hate the fact of losing family. I am waiting till after xmas to defend myself and stand up to my father, but at the same time I know once I do I may have to find a place to stay for awhile before I go to Wisconsin. I never once cared if he understood or agreed I just wanted him to respect me but I guess that was too much to ask for.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Educating the Educators

I am debating emailing the head of the Physical Therapy department at my university. I want to discuss there lack of knowledge in dealing with GLBTQA cases aka "students". They need a very direct and concise education on appropriate language, terminology, and needs of students. My experience in my internship that I technically failed because of my "gender issues" has lit a fire underneath my ass. My university advisor who has been handling this case and making sure I don't fail and making sure my next internship has an oh shit plan, while she has been great has not been great as well. My clinical internship teacher specifically used the term "gender issues" and said that is why I failed. My advisor addresses everything we have done as taking care of this issue. Now I want to be clear I don't have a gender issue the only issue are the people around me. There is a need to educate so that the student isn't blamed for others' ignorance and mis-education.

Losing Identity

Recently I have been feeling like I am losing my identity. I find it hard to explain though. I know who I am, I know what I am trying to be, and all that but at the same time I feel as though I am losing my grip on it. It's like my palms are sweating and I can't hold to the bar I am power cleaning anymore. I'm starting to see the facade I have been playing up really hard has been crashing down and I am no longer seen as a guy but as instead as a butch dyke or a tranny. I am starting to feel that I can no longer pass. I don't know what to be seen as a tranny because when I am seen as such then too comes all the ignorant stereotypes and stigmatization's, most of which aren't really me. A lot of my identity comes from sport, really almost of my identity comes from sport. It comes from everything I feel when I compete: the power and strength, the ability to become anything I want, the ability to walk into the circle and know that I am one of the best and I will be damned if I go down easy. Sport also gave me the only place in the world I was safe or at least I could control what I would let touch/affect me. Ever since I had my knee surgery I haven't been able to throw or lift the way I like. This is a much needed time off and surgery and will make me a better athlete but at the same time it is taking a part of my identity away. I am lucky enough to have good genetics for muscle build and so I would go to the weight room to get good at a sport but also to look like a man. I would lift "like a man", I would take great pleasure out of lifting more then most men, I would work my ass off to look like a man over being good.
Not being able to be in my comfort zone at my sport has left me feeling naked with my identity. My sport while being my biggest hurdle as far as preventing me to transition but in a way is my crutch. It allows me to not have to face the fact on who I am. It helps me hide and just be an athlete and not a trans person. I have spent most of my life hating who I am and not understanding what why I was who I am. I came out in college and in a way went back in the closet after college because of what happen when I came out, I just hid in my sport and never denied what I was I just never said. Taking the last month off completely as well as some other things has made me question my identity as in "Did I do the right thing?" I am starting to believe that throwing myself completely into my sport and becoming a student and an athlete and nothing else I ruined myself. I have been debating even going back to my sport right now and just start transitioning but the fear of failure and not being able to throw afterwards prevents me. My identity is becoming more trans and not less of an athlete it is just starting to even out. My disappointment is not being able to entirely be both, the rules don't allow it. That is what sucks about sports sometimes in its exclusion of people to create the best field of competitors there are some left out many of whom were the best.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Privilege of Passing

I was at the Transcending Boundaries this weekend and went to a workshop on the privilege of passing. I found this to be a very enlightening and amazing workshop. There was a great range of age, trans men and women, gender queer, and so on. It was really nice to discuss the difficulty of passing each of have in our given gender and life and how it is a privilege to pass as your gender. I often struggle with the privilege of passing or the ability to pass and how it does and doesn't affect my ability to live and breathe as who I am. I often times am told that if one displays themselves with confidence then one will pass a whole lot better; or not many really people care about your gender expression. While I agree more with the latter, none are entirely true. Yes confidence has a lot to do with, but lets be honest some people as hard as they try and as much confidence as they may have some of us trans folk can not pass, I am one of them. Confidence can go far in queer communities sometimes far in friendly communities but in the rest of the world confidence in my experience mean jack. The biggest theme of this workshop was displaying oneself with confidence, and how that saves all and fixes all.
The thought of passing has always interested me. I find that there isn't just one way to pass and there are both pros and cons for all levels of passing. For instance if you completely pass as your gender identity then quite often you are not welcome in the Trans community because you are not "queering gender" enough. If you don't pass as I don't whether it be for body shape, facial features, voice, etc... the trans community will sometimes take you in it depends and then the non-trans world knows that you are not "normal" Then what about people who don't want to pass, who are gender queer, or FTM or MTF with no desire to transition; should passing matter on the general public? Or should passing matter on the individual's belief that they are passing how they want to? I feel like it should be the latter but I don't know if the world would ever be ready to let go of the dispositions especially on gender.
Passing in my life is a privilege a privilege I don't have. Passing is always a privilege though since it is rather expensive to pay for the medical procedures and therapy in order to pass. Passing effects everything from relationships to jobs. Everything changes based on how you pass, or what you pass as. People aren't ready to let go of the very strong beliefs on gender and how it should be presented and I just don't know if passing is as simple as leaving the house with confidence.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I began volunteer coaching at MIT yesterday and I always forget when I am not doing it how much I LOVE to coach. I adore coaching, I love watching people learn and get better at things and knowing I had a slight hand in it. I also love coaching because it is one of the only things I have in my life that isn't affected by gender or sexuality. My athletes don't care whether I am male or female or how I represent my gender identity. All my athletes care about are my credentials as a thrower, an athlete, a coach. They care about what can I give them, what can I teach them and most importantly how hard I am going to push them at practice :p . But they don't care about how I look or how I identify they just care about how am I going to make them a better thrower. That is what I love about coaching. It is pure, it is sport and when I am coaching or even when I am throwing everyone around me is just an athlete or a coach they are a member of that sport and that is it; they don't have anything other than what they can and can't do in the throwing circle. Our only flaws are technical flaws that prevent us from throwing farther. I guess that is what makes leaving sports so hard, the ability to either participate or coach and be who I am without the judgment. It has always amazed me that when I am coaching college athletes we are laughing and having a good time and everything but I always catch myself wondering if that is how they would feel if they knew me outside of track or would they only see me for my "flaws"?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Another step back for gay marriage

New York has denied the right for gays to get married. I think a new approach has to be tried since the current/old one isn't working.
Apparently the decency of people is not what we have hoped and that the majority of people don't care about people's civil rights until it is their civil rights being taken away.

Civil Rights should never be voted on ever!