Friday, December 11, 2009

Losing Identity

Recently I have been feeling like I am losing my identity. I find it hard to explain though. I know who I am, I know what I am trying to be, and all that but at the same time I feel as though I am losing my grip on it. It's like my palms are sweating and I can't hold to the bar I am power cleaning anymore. I'm starting to see the facade I have been playing up really hard has been crashing down and I am no longer seen as a guy but as instead as a butch dyke or a tranny. I am starting to feel that I can no longer pass. I don't know what to be seen as a tranny because when I am seen as such then too comes all the ignorant stereotypes and stigmatization's, most of which aren't really me. A lot of my identity comes from sport, really almost of my identity comes from sport. It comes from everything I feel when I compete: the power and strength, the ability to become anything I want, the ability to walk into the circle and know that I am one of the best and I will be damned if I go down easy. Sport also gave me the only place in the world I was safe or at least I could control what I would let touch/affect me. Ever since I had my knee surgery I haven't been able to throw or lift the way I like. This is a much needed time off and surgery and will make me a better athlete but at the same time it is taking a part of my identity away. I am lucky enough to have good genetics for muscle build and so I would go to the weight room to get good at a sport but also to look like a man. I would lift "like a man", I would take great pleasure out of lifting more then most men, I would work my ass off to look like a man over being good.
Not being able to be in my comfort zone at my sport has left me feeling naked with my identity. My sport while being my biggest hurdle as far as preventing me to transition but in a way is my crutch. It allows me to not have to face the fact on who I am. It helps me hide and just be an athlete and not a trans person. I have spent most of my life hating who I am and not understanding what why I was who I am. I came out in college and in a way went back in the closet after college because of what happen when I came out, I just hid in my sport and never denied what I was I just never said. Taking the last month off completely as well as some other things has made me question my identity as in "Did I do the right thing?" I am starting to believe that throwing myself completely into my sport and becoming a student and an athlete and nothing else I ruined myself. I have been debating even going back to my sport right now and just start transitioning but the fear of failure and not being able to throw afterwards prevents me. My identity is becoming more trans and not less of an athlete it is just starting to even out. My disappointment is not being able to entirely be both, the rules don't allow it. That is what sucks about sports sometimes in its exclusion of people to create the best field of competitors there are some left out many of whom were the best.

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