Thursday, December 24, 2009

Approval from those that will never give it is the most desireable

I am out in Colorado to see my parents for xmas, and I have been doing this since I was 18. I told my parents 4 years ago that I am Trans, plan on transitioning after the 2012 olympic trials and that I will be going by my chosen name and it has been legally changed. As I said in a previous post none of this went over too well. In fact it really ruined what if any relationship I had with my parents at the time. My mom is trying so I am a little forgiving of the mistakes, but my father is the big problem. He refuses to acknowledge my name change and has since I told him, he refuses to acknowledge anything I told him really. He justifies to himself by saying that he has always wanted a little girl and will never let go of the fact that I was his daughter since that was all that he ever wanted as far as children go. That is all fine and dandy but ever since I was born I was never a little girl, I was nothing close to daddy's little girl and everyone in my family except my father recognizes that. While I am home this time it has been very apparent that he will not let go of the fact that I am his daughter, putting me in the kitchen to work and generally treating me like a "dumb woman" something he has done forever and something I have always resented. When I guess you could say his daughter I was miserable and miserable to be around. I was institutionalized most of my senior year of high school for self-inflicted injuries, being gay and wanting to kill myself. When I accepted myself as being trans I finally let go of all the baggage I was holding onto and became a little happier and a whole lot more successful. Being at my parents house has made me realize that my father would rather me be the suicidal, cutting mess of a girl that I was then the happy, successful man that I am becoming. I can't in words explain how much that hurts, I don't think I ever could. I have never been close with my father but I also hate the fact of losing family. I am waiting till after xmas to defend myself and stand up to my father, but at the same time I know once I do I may have to find a place to stay for awhile before I go to Wisconsin. I never once cared if he understood or agreed I just wanted him to respect me but I guess that was too much to ask for.

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