Tuesday, November 3, 2009
So I've been struggling a lot recently with track being put 1st before transitioning. I've been thinking about quitting track and transitioning now and then try to get back into it as a guy, but I don't really know if that would work. It is hard to really walk away from something that has been my life for the last 7 years, especially when I am so close to achieving my dream of making the olympic team. But at the same time I have sacrificed so much for track, all at my choice but nonetheless it takes a toll after a while. I live my life as a man (or at least I try very hard to), but then I throw and compete as a woman. I have many times lost track of who and what I am because I am a different gender to everyone you ask and despite asking for the respect to call me he it is not often given. My decision to not transition has hindered my ability to get jobs since I am trying to work and finish grad school in a professional field, people don't want to hire the "It". I have lost sponsership for track because I came out and became the trans-athlete poster child for my college. I have been denied enterance to meets because I am trans but yet I keep coming back for more. I don't even know why I keep coming back, I love to throw sure, but it is loving to do something truely enough to deny yourself who you are? I guess that answer depends on who you are and what it is. For me I thought it was, until recently. I'm starting to watch people around me transition, and being around people who have transitioned, and it is eating me alive. I am so happy for those men and women but at the same time I am the green eyed monster, and it has made me want to transition more and more everyday. I hate being seen as a woman, I Hate seeing myself as a woman. No matter how well I bind, or how big my cock is, still only see myself as a woman. I thought I was mentally tough enough to hold off until after 2012 olympic trials/olympics but I am starting to doubt if I am. A person can only hate themselves so much I don't look in the mirror anymore, I am starting to become a shut in because I don't want the world to see me, so I only am going out for work. But when I throw I feel like a God I feel like noone can touch me. I feel like I rule the world with every turn and when I let go it is a feeling I only have when I throw. So I come back to the question of: Is loving to do something enough to deny your identity and enstill nothing but self-hate?