Relationships

Relationships have always been really hard for me for numerous reasons. I had trouble trusting people, committing to people, I wasn't comfortable with who I was and so on. I used to date lesbians and had a lot of trouble with finding lesbians that were comfortable with my gender identity so those never lasted long. I always had trouble connecting with people. A lot of that had to do with my lack of understanding of my own gender identity and difficulty putting together an identity and expression that worked for me. It is impossible to connect with someone when you can't even connect with yourself and see yourself as an out of body entity taking this shell as a temporary habitat till a more suitable one arrives.
As with every relationship sex is eventually a big part of it. I found this is what stopped me from having meaningful relationships with women. I was never pleased sexually because they didn't know how to touch me and couldn't touch how I wanted them to because it conflicted with who they were sexually. I also wouldn't let women touch me, I didn't want to be a woman and never saw myself as one and instead of explaining how I want to be touched I just took all the attention off of me so they didn't touch me. A huge part of my gender identity is based around my place in my relationships with my partners and for a long time I lost with them too.
I met a woman that helped me feel masculine and supported my coming out but in return couldn't be seen out in public with me, or with friends unless I was the Trans boyfriend, because she needed to be queer and I wasn't queer enough unless I was telling my story. That was a hard relationship to be in. It is hard as a young tranny and not having felt comfortable in any relationship to leave a relationship with someone that finally started to make me feel the way I wanted to. I stayed in an abusive relationship out of fear that I wouldn't be accepted by anyone else stupidly. Having talked to other trans men and women I now I know I am not the only one, and the fact that there are more is a shame because we should feel and know that we can be accepted and need to leave the abusive relationships to get it.

I wanted to give a quick background on my experiences in relationships but the real reason I wrote this was because of my current partner. I was at the conference Transcending Boundaries in Worcester this weekend and as I was in one of the workshops I was sitting there realizing that I have grown a lot. It sounds really corny and adolescent to say but I really wouldn't be where I am mentally without her. When I met her I was terrified of living as a out trans man, I was still very disgusted with who I was and what I was. My partner brought out a man in me I knew was there but never thought would come out, by only seeing me as her man and nothing else. Her support and gentle pushing to be who I am helped me even show my face in trans communities and then feel brave enough to then go to conferences like TIC and Transcending Boundaries. My Partner's belief in trans rights and her knowledge in Trans history and support of the community also helped me feel more comfortable. She helps give me strength to be who I am. I have been told several times that it is unhealthy to base our identities around someone and I don't. I will always be who I am now even if she was here she helped me find that person. We are all affected by people and especially those closest to us. I still have trouble with my identity in this relationship and it isn't perfect but I never really appreciated till today how far I came because of her.

Transgender Day of Rememberance

This is a link someone informed me of. It is deeply sad, but very much a perfect statement for today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKCMONBGcpc

As fitting for the day it is also Pouring in Boston.

I continuously struggle with my role in educating people, or being out there as a role model. I want to be a role model and a resource for people to use and go to. But I can't always do it in a vocal role such as with the media and what not. I have been asked to do these kind of venues in the past for various things but I can not commit to that. I run the risk of future employers seeing me and then not hiring me because of their personal opinions. I feel guilty and sad every time I turn down people for that matter. I want to be out there but I can't not work. I wish there was a way to do both because I would love to help young trans people because I know how hard it is to not have resources readily accessible and have people not understand. I am always open to questions and discussions, and talking about so many things and I want to get it out there that I would love to start a discussion and safe place even on my blog for people to ask questions, and use me as a resource and help and/or just a complicated trans person that can lend an ear.

~Corbyn~

explanations

Does anyone ever get tired of explaining yourself? Explaining your identity? Explaining your sexuality? Explaining why or why not you present yourself in a certain manner? I know I am. I get very tired of having to explain who/what I am, to professors, to professional colleagues, to other athletes and to coaches. Explaining myself to members of the queer community and straight community. I never understood the importance explaining to others what is in-between my legs and why I do or don't chose to look like it on the outside. I mean really I have always wondered if I represent what is between my legs would it really helped, since back in the day when I had long hair I looked a very un-passing un-comfortable drag queen according to everyone who has seen it.
The explanations get really old when I have to defend who I am so that I can be acceptable to the person I am talking to. When my explanations become apologies for my existence and for how I am sorry for taking up space and being different. My explanations for who I am more recently have been trying to explain why my differences make me who I am and try to make them less offensive to the people I am saying them to. It has been rather frustrating. Especially when it is with fellow queers. I will never understand why queers hate on queers with more hate, force and disgust than straights. I hate explaining why I want to be seen as a guy and not as gender queer, or why I can't be overtly queer because I am trying to work in a professional field. I hate having to explain that I do love being queer and I do want already stand up for trans rights but I also have to get a job and I work in a conservative field. I don't have the luxury of working in queer friendly jobs. I could have if I chose to but I wanted more. Also being an athlete is NOT an un-queer thing, it is NOT against the rules to be a jock and to enjoy and love sports. It is ok for a jock to be queer at the same time. I know that sports are stereotypical heterosexual but what the hell is wrong with breaking the stereotype isn't that queer? I wish there was more of a live let live policy in the queer world, and appreciation of all the individuality within the world and our community. Since until we stop hating each other we will never get others to appreciate us.
Explaining myself everyday is exhausting, I once asked someone to explain themselves to me. They became so offended and insulted and couldn't understand why I asked them. When I explained that is how they made me feel they were still baffled. How ironic?

Knee Surgery

Yesterday I had knee surgery. I had a right knee chondroplasty which is fancy talk for a knee scope. At least that was what the surgery was supposed to be. My knee ended up being in worse shape than both I and the doctor thought it would be. I have a Osteochondritis dessicans (OCD) lesion on the posterior lateral portion of my femur which like having a hole in the bone, on the weight bearing surface of the bone. That hole was a whole lot worse then expected it was the size of a quarter and a few millimeters deep which means it went through the cartilage into the bone. THe doctor also had to do a lateral release of the the lateral compartment of the knee joint. That means the doctor cut the fascia and muscle to release the tension so that the patella will sit in correct anatomical position instead with a tilt. He had to do micro fractures of the bone at the hole in the femur to cause the bone to bleed so it can form a fibrous cartilage callous over the hole to try and prevent it from getting worse. They also did a whole lot of cleaning on top of that. Needless to say I am now non-weightbearing for at least a week and lot more rehab than expected.
The biggest problem is the surgeon was not happy about the state of the OCD lesion in my femur. Apparently he doesn't think the micro fractures is going to help and that I am going to need another surgery. He thinks I need an allograft bone plug to close the hole, or else he is afraid the bone in my femur will die. That surgery is a minimum of 8 weeks nonweight bearing and 6 months rehab. I don't know if it is going to hold. I don't know what will happen as far as throwing if I do it. I know I will most likely need a knee replacement by the my early 30s if I don't do it, but I also don't know how long the surgery would delay the total knee replacement. I am really at a loss as to what to do I never thought my knee was this bad. It pretty much sucks.

Out outside of college

I haven't talked much about being an out trans-athlete outside of college. The adjustment from college track and field to non-colleigant track is rough whether you are queer or not. You have to figure out very quickly how to pay for all your meets, travel and equipment, you have to find a coach, and/or a place to train, you also have to find the right meets and everything else. There is a lot of stuff that you relied on your coach for that is now all in your hands and so it is a big adjustment. It is also an adjustment to compete against the best in the country at all levels rather than just DIII as it was for me. Personally I found all but the funding to be easy and work itself out along the way. Being out certainly made me the black sheep. I was isolated and almost quarantined because of it. I was constantly questioned on my gender identity and whether or not I was cheating and taking T because of my appearance. I found more doors close than open due to being out. I lost abilities to compete at bigger meets not due to lack of talent but lack of blatant heterosexuality. In my sport women are shunned for being more masculine then they are already naturally are due to their high levels of muscle bulk. My competitors over feminize themselves in order to not be seen as anything masculine b/c of their body shape. Any woman not fitting the feminine identity is shunned in order to keep the feminimity of the athletes well set. Most often at meets I am called the tranny the It throwing. I have been asked at big meets if I was aware that I was competing in the women's competition and that I must have misheard. People call me the he-she, she-he and find cute little ways to put jabs in every chance they get.
Being an out trans-athlete I've learned that you have to mentally tougher than all of your competitors, and willing to sacrifice more and work harder to accomplish the same thing as your competitors. I guess that should make my accomplishments mean even more to me but I find it to be a double edged sword in that my accomplishments do mean something but I work and drive myself into the ground mentally and physically for track, and yet I am still seen as a nobody in track and field not because I can't throw but because I'm trans.
There are days where I wonder if it is worth since being an elite athlete you sacrifice your life no matter your identity but when for me I closet my identity again. I continue to live in skin I can't even look at in the mirror to throw. People have asked me if it is worth it or why I sacrifice my identity. That answer is relatively simple. I love to throw. THe only place in my life I feel whole, I feel powerful is in a throwing circle. I feel powerless in the rest of my life and regaining that sense of power feels great. I veered off the topic of being an elite trans-athlete. But for me personally being that athlete I have this debate on a regular if not daily basis. I have a personal struggle of is it worth it? Is losing and sacrificing your identity worth it? Is destroying my body worth it?, etc... When I can't answer immediately or I can't say with 100% certainity that it is worth it, or my love for throwing has died then I will quit, but till then I will continue to have this debate and question every decision I've made, but I will also throw and turn heads while doing it.

New Poem

So I this is the 1st poem I will post, but as some background I write a lot of poetry. Some will be new some will be old. My thesis in College was a collection of poetry about being trans and life in general.

I'm a hard bodied woman
strength of a God
Power to overcome the barriers of a binary world

I'm a Flamboyant man
accenting with flair
limp wristed
strong grip never mistaken for weak

I'm a femme girl
walking in 4" heels with legs for days
with my short little red dress
all look and no touch
It's what's underneath that's the real surprise.

I'm the male jock
Can crushing biceps, washboard abs
tree trunk legs so I can drop to my knees to lick the boots of my girlfriend

I'm a Stone butch dyke
Got my strap-on on and my motorcycle boots
Can't change my oil but
my girlfriend can

I'm a twink
I'll take it up the ass
only after I've beaten and dominated yours

I'm a tranny Boi
packing and binding
I'll my show my tits since binding hurts
and my piercings are too fun to hide

I'm all these
Stuck in a singular
form the word isn't ready for me