Quick Rant on introductions

Recently I have been getting really annoyed with the need to say how many months your on T or state that your pre-T or surgery whenever the need to introduce yourself to people on the transgender spectrum or other FTM identified people arises. I don't understand why it has to be mentioned, do I have to prove that I belong here? Is it a way for me to rank myself among others? Is it a way to deduce where I belong? I don't understand it. I hate saying my name is and I am pre-everything. Then at the same time I hate it when I say I am pre-everything and I am instantly placed in this "child" like view and I know nothing about life or anything else. It is rather frustrating. Why is there this masculinity check based off the length in time a person has been on T? In my experience it seems like a person's masculinity, manliness and rating of who is a better man is based off T and surgery and how long a person has been on T or how much surgery a person has. It infuriates me because there is so much more to what makes a man, and it also leaves out so many men that can't take T for medical reasons, or whatever reasons they have. It sucks having to introduce yourself in a FTM forum and then being asked how long on T or something else like that, then being honest and getting treated like a second-class citizen after that.

updates

So I know it has been a while since I had really posted something. This is in part has been me being a bit weary about posting something that wasn't positive or at least hopefully or productive I guess. Things recently have been really rough and a lot of stuff has not been positive. I have been trying to work on stuff and figure stuff out and try to adjust to a new job and new place. In my efforts of trying not to be a gloomy Gus I began to realize that I started this blog to give another perspective of being trans, the stages of transitioning, and the complication of being a competitive athlete and transgender at the same time, and in that I started hiding more because of the fear that my negativity about somethings would put a damper on things and also deter people away. At the same time these negative experiences are what I go through have been the main aspect of my life right now and how to navigate through them and deal with them.
I wanted to start by addressing some emails I have received recently on whether or not I am going to join in the "It gets better" campaign. I am not, for the main reason being I am still waiting for it to get better. I can't say it does when I just haven't experienced it yet, I would feel like I am lying and I can't do that. I know it gets better for a lot of people, and I know and believe that Kids NEED to believe that and that it is important for them to have something to believe in, but that isn't my experience and I can't lie about that. I have dealt for years with negativity of being a part of the LGBT community and I am still waiting for it to improve. I have lost jobs, had to leave jobs, lost family, and friends and had the shit beaten out of me. This is real and it is painful and it is something I continue to navigate on a regular basis. I know it can get better but it is a lot more complicated than that and sometimes being told that is just as a blow as the negativity getting thrown at you. I say that because I know when things were really tough which really were only a matter of months ago that last thing I wanted to hear was It gets better; because to me that is like "oh well, I know this sucks but just deal and someday it will get better" When will it? And it is nice that it does but what do I do until then, how do I get through all this, how do I convince myself that this is worth the future of better? I think tools should be given to help people get through what they are getting through not just words. For these reasons I can not add to it, I don't think I am the right person.
But it is for these reasons, it is for these negativities and for all the shit that LGBT youth go through that things need to change. So that brings into the next update. I have the honor to be a part of an advisory group for the GLSEN Sports Project being headed by Pat Griffin. This project is attempting to make sports and PE classes safe spaces and equally available to all LGBT youth. I am so happy to be a part of this advisory group and it was great to be able to go to NY and meet all the amazing people involved in it. I am really pleased with all the different perspectives and ideas that were brought up and really excited by what this is going to bring about. This is truely important and very necessary in a day and age where we are as a society waking up to the very real reality of being Queer in schools and the fact the bullying is out of control and taking the lives of kids. Sports are a place of socialization but at the same time they are also one scariest places for LGBT youth and adults for that matter, and they can also be one of the most unsafe places for LGBT people. It shouldn't be that way, people shouldn't be afraid of being who they because they are athletes or enjoy sports. Kids shouldn't be terrified to go into a locker room to change for gym class. Kids shouldn't be treating people the way they are because they are not gender normative or heteronormative. This is a very real and serious issue. I am happy that GLSEN and Pat are putting this together and grabbing the bull by the balls and addressing these issues and others, so that kids can be themselves and feel safe doing it in their home away from home, school.

Another trans-athlete

This is a very well written article about a young man playing division 1 college basketball. He is very brave and I am glad his university has been handling as well as it appears. I hope that he doesn't need to deal any negativity and he can focus on excelling at his sport.
http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/24-people/338-transgender-man-to-play-for-womens-basketball-team

In Memory of Coach Joe Woodhead

Yesterday my coach Joe Woodhead past away. This is a huge loss for track and field, Bates College, throwing, division III athletics and to his family, me and all the people that had the honor of having him in our lives. He dedicated his life to coaching and made his athletes feel like family. He was a great coach, teacher and man. If it wasn't for him I would have never thrown, and acquired all successes I have had in my career as a thrower, and in my life outside of throwing. He was like a grandfather to me and taught me more about being a good human being and to be the best in life than anyone else has.
Thank you Coach for everything you have done, for your dedication, your passion and belief and in all your athletes. If it wasn't for you I don't think I would have finished college, Thank you. You are and were loved very much and will be greatly missed.
RIP Coach Woodhead <3

NCLR Report Part 2

I haven't had a chance to really talk about how much this report that the NCLR and It takes a team wrote up. I have the link in the last post, and once again I want to thank Pat and Helen for all their work and advocacy to create this.
Why is this important? This is important because as a transgender athlete no matter where you are in the spectrum of transitioning and coming out, sports currently are not conducive to our identities and do not support differences in gender identities and presentations. There are many talented and passionate athletes that can not and will not reach their full potential because of the barriers innately in place because of current sport doctorine. When I came out in college I was terrified not so much of being out but of losing my opportunity to compete and be an athlete. There were no guidelines, or resources for me at all. This report is an excellent resource for athletes, coaches, teammates, athletic director, and competitors. It allows for a safer environment for trans-athletes to come out, compete, and be themselves fully. The stress will still be there, the fear will probably still be there, because I don't think it is possible to come out and begin living as that person without fear and stress. But Now we can come out knowing there are people there to help us, there are reccommended guidelines, and there are resources to help.
There are athletes that hide who they are until the.y finally can't take it anymore and leave the sports or worse because sports don't allow us to be who we are. We are not able to compete at our fullest, because we have to deal with the stress of either hiding who we are to everyone else, including ourselves sometimes. Or we are who we are and we are dealing with the discrimination, hate, and misunderstanding of everyone. We are often times not competing to the best of our abilities since as everyone knows ya can't be at the top of your game if you are being pulled in a thousand different directions. This report allows us some relief, something to refer people to, something to use as a guide so it isn't up to us solely.
I hope that more and more people are able to find themselves in a place to be able to come out and be more comfortable to be who they are so that we are not seen as taboos anymore.

Trans athletes rights

This is the report the NCLR, and it takes a team, and the women's sports foundation created. It helps make competitive sports more accessible and inclusive to transgender athletes. This is an amazing document that can really change a lot of lives and help all of trans athletes be ourselves and still be able to compete!!!
http://nclrights.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/groundbreaking-report-urges-high-school-and-college-athletics-to-establish-standard-national-policies-for-transgender-student-athletes/

Taking gender away from athlete

I was having a discussion with some people most of whom are on the trans-spectrum and I was asked how can I compete as woman and not have that innately bother me and destroy my self-image anymore. I never really thought of it as that. For me I am not a female athlete, I am just an athlete, a thrower. I never really thought of myself as a female or a male thrower only as a thrower. When I enter that circle it is the only time I can be completely gender-free and be completely free of the gender stigmatizations. While I may compete in the female division, most of us aren't there trying to prove our femininism or our status as a woman we are trying to be great athletes. I have had to prove my "femaleness" at meets but even with that the circle and the competition are my forms of heaven. I am free to be what I want to be, I control everything in that space, I can be me without any worry of what is "it".
For me sports were always my way of getting away. I had trouble dealing with my identity because I didn't know what was "wrong" with me until I was much older and until then I felt alone, helpless and completely lost and disgusted with what I saw myself as. No matter what the sport I was competing in I was able to escape during those moments, because I could be seen as an athlete and nothing else. I am an athlete, and when i am seen as such I feel whole. Being an athlete is gender-less to me, it is my way is stepping away from the constraints of being male or female or being lost in translation somewhere in between. An athlete is so much more then male or female it is character description, a sign of passion, a way of life, a religon, a cult it is so much more than male or female.
An Athlete is an athlete simply put and for me that is freedom.