Monday, June 28, 2010
I am starting the job interview process again, since I am having a lot of issues with my current job. (will explain more in a later post). I am really nervous, i am beginning to realize how much my gender identity is starting to conflict with ability to work in a safe and equal work space where I can be the good physical therapist I know I can be and am starting to develop into. I want interviewers to see me as non-gendered not because I am gender queer but because I want to be treated professionally. I want people to see me as a physical therapist not as a male or female physical therapist. My gender identity and sex and gender do not effect my abilities to treat patients, and don't make me any more or less of a physical therapist. I am sitting here, making sure I don't leave obscenely early and end up sitting in my car thinking of all the worst case scenarios that can happen. I am sitting here in a suit and a tie, and bound, and I have never felt more like a woman. I am thinking about that right now because I am trying to convince myself right now that I am a strong, handsome, talented man so I can go into this interview with confidence. But even though I identify as male, when I put a suit and tie on I feel like I am in drag because 90% of the time that is how I am perceived. I feel like I am hiding dreadfully what I am, and gender misfit. I want to be seen as male, but when I put a suit and tie on I feel like I am amplifying the fact that I am not technically. I don't want to wear anything else, I just wish I felt differently.