Thursday, May 27, 2010

Discussions

I was talking with my partner the other day about sports and my continuation in sports. She was asking me why I was still competing because she doesn't see me being happy doing it. And she was wondering why I would continue throwing with all it requires me to sacrifice and hating myself everyday because of it. I was little thrown off by her asking since she never really asks about sports. She always called sports my mistress, but at the same time she is my number one fan and comes to support me all the time. I was also thrown off by the questions because it is something I have thought about at length but never really had an opportunity to talk about it out loud. In way she was right I wasn't happy for a long time. I wasn't happy throwing because I wasn't me, because I wasn't able to really enjoy it. I was doing for so many reasons but I wasn't doing it for myself.
When I took time off for knee surgery in November, it was in a weird way exactly what I needed. I was able to take a step back and look at where I was and where I wanted to go. I was able to start finding a way to throw for me and stop worrying about what everyone thought, and the disappointment that would occur if I didn't throw.
Since I have to returned to throwing, I am still trying to find myself. I love throwing for 2-3 hours a day I feel like an unbeatable god that can't be touched. It isn't about being the best because I am not. It is about for those few hours I am no longer a gendered being, I am no longer being judged for appearance, I am free and I am me. I think what is keeping me in throwing right now is I want to be the trans-athlete now. I want to help others by doing it myself and showing that being a man or being a woman is what is between your legs or the hormones in your blood, or whether or not you have breasts. Being a Man or a woman is being who you are which for me is trying to become one the the best American Female hammer throwers, and that is the only way I know how to be a man.
My Partner also made a good point: "You can do it once you transition too"
It's a convincing thought

2 comments:

  1. petervanaken@yahoo.comJune 2, 2010 at 12:25 AM

    nice that you "provisionally" qualified for Nationals! Have you read the MIT Newsletter article by Princess Imouhheuede, in issue #68, August 2009? Interesting. She had surgery, apparently had a good HT mark while at MIT, maybe you competed against her?

    Meanwhile, Amber goes 71.94...things keep getting hotter. I go to my first outdoor meet Saturday, very little practice, feeling weak because I had a bad cold last week, oh well. I'm the 54 year old thrower, with a best of only 41m with the 6kg, but I'm still in the sport.

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  2. well, now I read Britney did 71.27 at Tuscon--so Amber and Britney both over 71.

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