Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Complications
So I've been struggling a lot recently with track being put 1st before transitioning. I've been thinking about quitting track and transitioning now and then try to get back into it as a guy, but I don't really know if that would work. It is hard to really walk away from something that has been my life for the last 7 years, especially when I am so close to achieving my dream of making the olympic team. But at the same time I have sacrificed so much for track, all at my choice but nonetheless it takes a toll after a while. I live my life as a man (or at least I try very hard to), but then I throw and compete as a woman. I have many times lost track of who and what I am because I am a different gender to everyone you ask and despite asking for the respect to call me he it is not often given. My decision to not transition has hindered my ability to get jobs since I am trying to work and finish grad school in a professional field, people don't want to hire the "It". I have lost sponsership for track because I came out and became the trans-athlete poster child for my college. I have been denied enterance to meets because I am trans but yet I keep coming back for more. I don't even know why I keep coming back, I love to throw sure, but it is loving to do something truely enough to deny yourself who you are? I guess that answer depends on who you are and what it is. For me I thought it was, until recently. I'm starting to watch people around me transition, and being around people who have transitioned, and it is eating me alive. I am so happy for those men and women but at the same time I am the green eyed monster, and it has made me want to transition more and more everyday. I hate being seen as a woman, I Hate seeing myself as a woman. No matter how well I bind, or how big my cock is, still only see myself as a woman. I thought I was mentally tough enough to hold off until after 2012 olympic trials/olympics but I am starting to doubt if I am. A person can only hate themselves so much I don't look in the mirror anymore, I am starting to become a shut in because I don't want the world to see me, so I only am going out for work. But when I throw I feel like a God I feel like noone can touch me. I feel like I rule the world with every turn and when I let go it is a feeling I only have when I throw. So I come back to the question of: Is loving to do something enough to deny your identity and enstill nothing but self-hate?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Regardless of where we find ourselves on the transgender continuum, seeking balance should be a primary goal. Without balance we are out of sync mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. We cannot help ourselves reach our goals in this compromised state, much less reach out to help others.
ReplyDeleteTransition may be aptly described as a selfish pursuit. But without being selfish we cannot be whole. We cannot love ourselves and we cannot clearly navigate and participate in the world around us without being selfish in the pursuit of our self-truth.
Success at an elite level of any sport--or professional endeavor-- is an aphrodisiac like few others. All the same, if staying the course toward the 2012 Olympics as a biological female instills nothing but self hate, suppressing your true male identity, then you may be placing yourself at greater risk than you realize. It doesn't seem there's enough balance in the closing statement you define.
Are you consulting with a gender therapist you trust? Do you have the confidence of a fellow athlete, and/or someone you may know who has successfully transitioned FtM? You need to talk this out and think this carefully through.
I like to visualize outcomes. For example, visualize walking away from track today and transitioning tomorrow. Visualize yourself in your idealized male expression. See yourself at school, with friends at social events, in both public and private venues---and in pursuit of a career. In every case you are pursuing your dreams as you know you are. You are living your life uninterrupted, your truth now; an authentic life is yours. What do you see as you travel this road? How does it feel?
Then visualize the road you currently travel playing out to fruition: You train and live your biological "roots" with singular focus on the 2012 Olympics as your primary objective. It’s a once in a lifetime goal within reach in a fleeting window of time. You train hard and visualize the fruit of your efforts. Ultimately, you arrive at 2012, hopefully the Olympics--and perhaps your day in the sun arrives. What do you see? How do you feel? The memory is yours forever. Then comes time for the rest of your life: transition lies before you and you pursue it like an elite athlete to its successful conclusion.
Which scenario elicits the more positive emotional vibes...makes you feel more alive, wholesome, good? Which makes you feel lesser, intolerable, fearful, self loathing?
I use the technique to this day, 15 months after my own transition. It settles me by affirming my choice every time.
Best wishes to you and please remember, the joy is in the journey--regardless of the road you travel.
Corbyn, I read your post with great sadness that you are feeling so caught between these choices. The first commenter here had some great suggestions for you. I hope you have confidants, counselors and mentors to advise you as you wrestle with this. I wish you well, my friend. Pat
ReplyDeleteI agree with a first post. Consider the options you would have in short and long run, with their possible impact on your life and context you see as your own (trans community or sport community or some 3rd where you would like to be in 2012+).
ReplyDeleteBest wishes Z