my 1st shot 8/7/12

So it finally came the infamous 1st shot, my so called 1st day of my becoming a man (despite always being one). It should have came almost a week earlier I had my script filled the vial of testosterone and the needles in my hand and it took almost a week to be able to decide then and there I was going to do it. I could bring myself to give the shot before that I was still going back and forth with it whether or not I still wanted to compete as female and try to make the World team or just stop and throw on the men's side. I had at that time before I even went to the pharmacy to drop the script off made that decision more or less it was just the committing to that decision. It was actually saying I am done and I am moving on. It was scary and it paralyzed me for a long time. I felt like I could stop going back and forth with to compete or not compete. It seems weird at times that in all seriousness that was all that kept me from not transitioning for the longest time. Then when I had everything right in front of me ready to go I couldn't do it. And it all came down to not being able to compete again. It was really hard to commit to the decision to stop competing. It has been such a large part of my life and pretty much the biggest part of my identity and it felt like I was throwing it away. I was ready to start T but at the same time I really wasn't ready to stop competing to stop throwing and I really don't know how to be without throwing in my life. I made the decision to begin transitioning and continue competing but as a male hammer thrower. I started throwing the 16 pound implement. I finally made the ultimate decision to inject after really debating and deciding that it needed to happen and I knew all along I just had to face it. I realized I had done so much already and I wanted to end on a high note and I didn't know if I could if I kept competing in the same capacity. I am getting old and I didn't know if I could maintain at the same level. I knew that I wanted to throw with the men and that time was now if I was going to have any shot at doing anything with the men's hammer. I found my shot to be one of the more anticlimactic moments of my life. I thought I would feel this huge tension come off my shoulders and I thought I would feel whole. But I didn't, I didn't regret it and I still don't but I never felt that sense of completeness. It was a humbling experience in that I still had to wake up and realize that it isn't just this one thing that is going to help me feel whole and complete as a person or as a man. It also helped me see that for me I was taking T to grow and develop as a person and as an athlete. I am writing this about 4 months later and I have had some bumps along the way with some difficulties maintaining my levels and what not and changes have been exceptionally slow going. It has been hard to stay patient but I am and I still know I am doing the right thing for me. I have gotten stronger and my distance in the men's hammer has improved to 50m. I have a long way to go and it is one hell of a trip right now. I keep my head up and keep working I would like to see how far I can get in the next couple of years with this implement.

Interview with Ann Schatz After the olympic trials

olympic trials

Tomorrow I am competing at the Olympic trials. I am gonna give them hell and everything else I got. I know I am ready but i have never been so nervous. Balls to the wall More posts to come after this since I have a lot of topics I want to address

Pan American Games Update

I got 5th at the Pan American Games!! I threw 67.84m which is the 3rd best throw of my career. I wish I had thrown a little farther but who doesn't that's why I do this. This was such an awesome experience I can not say enough about it. I got to see a throwing idol of mine throw and throw really far which was awesome and hell I got to compete with her and that was even better. I am really pleased with my performance and thrilled that I got the honor to represent the United States I don't think that has really sunk in yet that I was/am a member of the national team. :D

US National Team

I am officially a member of the US National Track and Field team representing/competing for the US at the Pan American Games.

USATF Nationals

So it has been awhile and I can't believe I haven't said anything about this, But...
I got 3rd at USATF nationals in the hammer throw which is huge. I had a huge Personal Best throw of 68.90m or 226ft. I am 10cm away from making the US national team for the World championships and I have until 8/8/11 to hit that mark. I am chasing it currently. I am competing this weekend and hoping to hit it. I am stoked and I may be able to make the Pan-American Games US National team!!

More updating to come soon

Above and beyond or just equal

Lately I have found and experienced that there is this assumption people have that when they respect my gender identity and presentation and appropriately call me by male pronouns even they know I wasn't born male there is underlying assumption that I owe them. I feel like this happens more so in the professional setting but definitely happens else where. It is really frustrating. People assume that by respecting my identity and by treating me like they would if I were male or if I were female and wanted to present as female that I owe them. I don't know what I owe them since all I am getting is the respect of me as a person that I show each of them everyday or they so each other every day. I don't understand why being treated as an equal correlates to being treated above and beyond or as special when an employer knows your trans and they respect your pronoun choice and treat me similar to others. I am happy that you do and I want you to and don't get me wrong I am grateful. But the thing is I shouldn't have to be grateful I shouldn't have to be so afraid to not be treated as equal that I feel obligated to stick around somewhere that isn't right just because my trans identity is respected. Nor should it be assumed that if you do respect me and treat me like a person rather than judge me and treat me like garbage that I some how owe you, that I have to make it up to you, that I have to go above and beyond what is expected of everyone else or else I am seen as a slacker. Nor should it be assumed that being so "understanding" is going above and beyond on their part and being especially awesome or whatever it is. I do not owe anyone anything for allowing me to be me as if they could allow me or should have that power. Treating me equally and like everyone else despite what you know about my identity does not make you special and have special power over me, and doesn't mean I am at your becking call and owe you a damn thing.