Enough, when is enough enough?

There is so much pressure as a trans person from all around you on how to proceed once you come out. There is this pressure about when are you starting T? God forbid you say I don’t know, then it is why don’t you know? How could you not know? Isn’t this all you have wanted or is this just some phase? Now if you don’t want to start T then it is a battery of pressure and animosity. You are not trans enough, you’re not doing it right, you must not want to be a man or even see yourself as a man and you are just a woman parading around pretending to be butch insulting the trans community. There is so much pressure to start T that if it isn’t in your timeline of within 6 months of coming out barring any complications with medical practitioners you are doing it wrong. Then there is binding, and there is only one answer to this. You MUST bind, no excuses, no whining, no titties. Since men don’t have boobs of course and so we must not, bio men just don’t have boobs, just forget about all those bio-men you’ve seen running around with tits because they just don’t exist and it is your eyes playing tricks on you. Real men don’t want tits, what they want is a crushing binder that feels like or is cutting off circulation, they want chaff from all the spandex in the summer, they want labored breathing, they want back pain, and they want crushed and cracked ribs; all in the name of being breast-less. You better learn to stand up to pee, because if you don’t then you must be a woman, because instead of men going into the bathroom to pee what they actually do is stand there and decide whether or not you stood and pissed or sat down like a dainty lady just by the sound of your piss hitting the toilet bowel, since we all know they don’t have anything better to do. The pressure from the outside of the community is hard enough to deal with. You must also not have any peach fuzz on your whole body because that will without a doubt give you up and everyone will know you are a woman. Your eyebrows must be a certain thickness and distance apart. You have to pack I mean duh because if you don’t see this huge bulge you must not be a man. You have to walk a certain way and have your pants and shirts a certain way and the list goes on and on. I know that this list seems ridiculous and it is but the thing is these are all things I have either heard or I have heard other FTMs tell FTMs. Yes there are certain things that have to be done to pass but they are different to everyone and not everyone wants to be the same kind of man. The pressure of trying to find a way to fit standard heterosexual gender norms in order to “pass” however that is for each person. We try so hard to conform are actually gender identity to fit what society sees as the right way of presenting as that gender, often times stifling what we actually see ourselves as presenting as. For instance a FTM must not be flamboyant, must not show any sign of femininity. But the problem with that is that not all bio-men fit that gender presentation. It gets even harder when you get that pressure from within your own community. When the trans community is the group telling you when you don’t pass because you are to girly or not into boyish enough things. Or when there is so much pressure to be hypermasculinized that misogyny now begins to exist within the community. We become so afraid of not being man enough that we have created these impossible standards that 90% of cis-gendered/bio-males cannot meet on the best of days. Now don’t get me wrong there are FTMs that do present like this and that is how they want to be and that is great but that shouldn't be the standard or the expectation. One reason I have felt the need to even discuss this is as a trans athlete these are things I have heard a lot. Why aren’t you transitioning? You must not really think you are man (take note of the key word think). You really aren’t trans or you wouldn’t want to compete, etc.. These are words I have heard from the transgender community. Prior to transitioning and competing as a woman I had a very hard time finding a place in the FTM community despite the fact that the only part of my life I wasn’t presenting and passing as a man was track. It was so much pressure to try and fit in within the community and try to find a way to present myself in a way to feel like I fit in and belonged. The more I tried the more I felt like an outsider because I didn’t and still don’t bind everyday well at least on weekends, because I am not ashamed of saying I have a vagina, because I don’t need to be stealth and because I still competed as a woman. I spent so much time trying to be “ENOUGH” for everyone else to try and find a place in a community I was trying to advocate for that I began to lose track of the kind of man I was and wanted to be. I feel like that is one of the hardest things to navigate during transition is becoming the man you are not the man that you are being told to be. I finally had to step back and many years of therapy and begin to accept myself especially in the later stages of my throwing career as a woman. I had to say I am ok with the man I am because I began to realize that if I wasn’t who was going to be. I stepped back and said to myself you know what I got boobs and dammit I am not going to keep them down while lifting because I am not as good in the weight room or throwing when I do and it is not healthy, so fuck it. I stopped seeing myself as less trans or not trans enough because no one can tell anyone how to be them and that that person is not enough of anything. It took a lot of time and it is something I still struggle with but it needs to happen. It is something we all need to do as trans people because we need to be able to see within ourselves the men and women we are. We need to step back from pressuring each other into stereotypes and boxes and 1950s gender roles and just allow people to be the people they are. No man or woman is a certain way and we shouldn’t be either. I am a FTM jock that is a extreme feminist and you know what I don’t beat my chest and love to watch sports I actually really am not a fan of sports on TV except track and basketball but I love opera and poetry and the arts. I am both masculine and extremely feminine at the same time and I am ok with that.

my 1st shot 8/7/12

So it finally came the infamous 1st shot, my so called 1st day of my becoming a man (despite always being one). It should have came almost a week earlier I had my script filled the vial of testosterone and the needles in my hand and it took almost a week to be able to decide then and there I was going to do it. I could bring myself to give the shot before that I was still going back and forth with it whether or not I still wanted to compete as female and try to make the World team or just stop and throw on the men's side. I had at that time before I even went to the pharmacy to drop the script off made that decision more or less it was just the committing to that decision. It was actually saying I am done and I am moving on. It was scary and it paralyzed me for a long time. I felt like I could stop going back and forth with to compete or not compete. It seems weird at times that in all seriousness that was all that kept me from not transitioning for the longest time. Then when I had everything right in front of me ready to go I couldn't do it. And it all came down to not being able to compete again. It was really hard to commit to the decision to stop competing. It has been such a large part of my life and pretty much the biggest part of my identity and it felt like I was throwing it away. I was ready to start T but at the same time I really wasn't ready to stop competing to stop throwing and I really don't know how to be without throwing in my life. I made the decision to begin transitioning and continue competing but as a male hammer thrower. I started throwing the 16 pound implement. I finally made the ultimate decision to inject after really debating and deciding that it needed to happen and I knew all along I just had to face it. I realized I had done so much already and I wanted to end on a high note and I didn't know if I could if I kept competing in the same capacity. I am getting old and I didn't know if I could maintain at the same level. I knew that I wanted to throw with the men and that time was now if I was going to have any shot at doing anything with the men's hammer. I found my shot to be one of the more anticlimactic moments of my life. I thought I would feel this huge tension come off my shoulders and I thought I would feel whole. But I didn't, I didn't regret it and I still don't but I never felt that sense of completeness. It was a humbling experience in that I still had to wake up and realize that it isn't just this one thing that is going to help me feel whole and complete as a person or as a man. It also helped me see that for me I was taking T to grow and develop as a person and as an athlete. I am writing this about 4 months later and I have had some bumps along the way with some difficulties maintaining my levels and what not and changes have been exceptionally slow going. It has been hard to stay patient but I am and I still know I am doing the right thing for me. I have gotten stronger and my distance in the men's hammer has improved to 50m. I have a long way to go and it is one hell of a trip right now. I keep my head up and keep working I would like to see how far I can get in the next couple of years with this implement.

Interview with Ann Schatz After the olympic trials

olympic trials

Tomorrow I am competing at the Olympic trials. I am gonna give them hell and everything else I got. I know I am ready but i have never been so nervous. Balls to the wall More posts to come after this since I have a lot of topics I want to address

Pan American Games Update

I got 5th at the Pan American Games!! I threw 67.84m which is the 3rd best throw of my career. I wish I had thrown a little farther but who doesn't that's why I do this. This was such an awesome experience I can not say enough about it. I got to see a throwing idol of mine throw and throw really far which was awesome and hell I got to compete with her and that was even better. I am really pleased with my performance and thrilled that I got the honor to represent the United States I don't think that has really sunk in yet that I was/am a member of the national team. :D

US National Team

I am officially a member of the US National Track and Field team representing/competing for the US at the Pan American Games.

USATF Nationals

So it has been awhile and I can't believe I haven't said anything about this, But...
I got 3rd at USATF nationals in the hammer throw which is huge. I had a huge Personal Best throw of 68.90m or 226ft. I am 10cm away from making the US national team for the World championships and I have until 8/8/11 to hit that mark. I am chasing it currently. I am competing this weekend and hoping to hit it. I am stoked and I may be able to make the Pan-American Games US National team!!

More updating to come soon