Transcriptions of a Trans Athlete

Pan American Games Update

2011-10-25T14:33:00.002-04:00

I got 5th at the Pan American Games!! I threw 67.84m which is the 3rd best throw of my career. I wish I had thrown a little farther but who doesn't that's why I do this. This was such an awesome experience I can not say enough about it. I got to see a throwing idol of mine throw and throw really far which was awesome and hell I got to compete with her and that was even better. I am really pleased with my performance and thrilled that I got the honor to represent the United States I don't think that has really sunk in yet that I was/am a member of the national team. :D

US National Team

2011-09-09T05:54:00.001-04:00

I am officially a member of the US National Track and Field team representing/competing for the US at the Pan American Games.

USATF Nationals

2011-07-12T18:20:00.002-04:00

So it has been awhile and I can't believe I haven't said anything about this, But...
I got 3rd at USATF nationals in the hammer throw which is huge. I had a huge Personal Best throw of 68.90m or 226ft. I am 10cm away from making the US national team for the World championships and I have until 8/8/11 to hit that mark. I am chasing it currently. I am competing this weekend and hoping to hit it. I am stoked and I may be able to make the Pan-American Games US National team!!

More updating to come soon

Above and beyond or just equal

2011-04-14T20:35:00.002-04:00

Lately I have found and experienced that there is this assumption people have that when they respect my gender identity and presentation and appropriately call me by male pronouns even they know I wasn't born male there is underlying assumption that I owe them. I feel like this happens more so in the professional setting but definitely happens else where. It is really frustrating. People assume that by respecting my identity and by treating me like they would if I were male or if I were female and wanted to present as female that I owe them. I don't know what I owe them since all I am getting is the respect of me as a person that I show each of them everyday or they so each other every day. I don't understand why being treated as an equal correlates to being treated above and beyond or as special when an employer knows your trans and they respect your pronoun choice and treat me similar to others. I am happy that you do and I want you to and don't get me wrong I am grateful. But the thing is I shouldn't have to be grateful I shouldn't have to be so afraid to not be treated as equal that I feel obligated to stick around somewhere that isn't right just because my trans identity is respected. Nor should it be assumed that if you do respect me and treat me like a person rather than judge me and treat me like garbage that I some how owe you, that I have to make it up to you, that I have to go above and beyond what is expected of everyone else or else I am seen as a slacker. Nor should it be assumed that being so "understanding" is going above and beyond on their part and being especially awesome or whatever it is. I do not owe anyone anything for allowing me to be me as if they could allow me or should have that power. Treating me equally and like everyone else despite what you know about my identity does not make you special and have special power over me, and doesn't mean I am at your becking call and owe you a damn thing.

GLSEN Sports Project

2011-03-17T20:36:00.002-04:00

http://sports.glsen.org/
This is the link to the GLSEN Sports Project, PLEASE check it out. This is an amazing project and awesome work done to protect Student athletes that Identify under the GLBTQQAI spectrum. I can not emphasize enough the importance of this and how crucial the Work of Pat Griffin

Competing as a non-passing person without the comforts of a team

2011-03-11T21:44:00.006-05:00

I compete as an unattached athlete. What that means is that I am not affiliated with any team, and since I am no longer in College I am obviously not associated with any college or university as far as who I affiliate with in my personal competition. The environment and relationships of a team can be amazingly helpful with trying to traverse the complexities of being a gender non-conforming person trying to survive in a binary world. Sometimes being part of a team is both a curse and a savior. The team can be a safety blanket that protects from the outside jerks. Sometimes a team though can be where all the hate, anxiety and issues come from and the fear that prevents people from coming out. When I was in College being a part of the team really helped me with navigating everything. One of most crucial things were bathrooms and locker rooms. I never really passed as female or as male since I was 18, and going off of campus was always difficult because of the danger of bathrooms and locker rooms and just dealing with ignorant fools. My team helped me a lot to go places and not have trouble using the bathrooms and protecting me from all the people who had issues with how I looked, was or whatever.
Currently I train with a team but I coach them and I don't really compete with them and when I do travel with them it is as their coach not their teammate which makes a big difference. Navigating track meets as a person that doesn't pass as either male or female without a team is a little hairy at times. For instance the bathroom/locker room. I am entered into the meet as female competitor, I do not bind and am generally wearing tighter clothes as a uniform underneath t-shirt and shorts but this doesn't change the fact that I have very short hair, and a relatively masculine build. I often have a lot of trouble going to track meets and using the bathroom and well holding it all day is that great either when you are trying to throw very far. :p It is really complicated going into bathrooms when my partner isn't there to help either. It always causes drama because a "boy" is in the women's bathroom, and I really don't feel comfortable at meets going into the men's room because I don't have the confidence that I pass at all. Then to compete unattached, I am the man throwing with the women especially when people don't know me or I go to a new meet around unfamiliar teams that haven't been around me since college. It is hard, sometimes it is hard to keep in the competition mind set when you are the "tranny-it" the "he-she" the "man" trying to compete with the women. It is times like that when having supportive teammates really help, you are no longer an individual you are part of a team something bigger than the I. I am often competing with just me my coach doesn't often travel with me and it makes it hard to navigate the dilemmas of when I am confronted with people trying to get at me being like I am on steroids, I am using T I am cheating in some way because visibly I don't fit the mold of what they think a female athlete should fit in. I often find myself wishing there were more resources and help for us athletes out of college, and highschool that identify under the gender-queer transgender spectrum to navigate the sporting world and act as a security blanket when our identity our abilities to compete fairly and our safety is being jeopardized by the coaches, spectators and athletes around us.

Competition

2011-02-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

I am competing tomorrow at BU. Getting Psyched to throw far.

Quick Rant on introductions

2010-12-18T20:03:00.003-05:00

Recently I have been getting really annoyed with the need to say how many months your on T or state that your pre-T or surgery whenever the need to introduce yourself to people on the transgender spectrum or other FTM identified people arises. I don't understand why it has to be mentioned, do I have to prove that I belong here? Is it a way for me to rank myself among others? Is it a way to deduce where I belong? I don't understand it. I hate saying my name is and I am pre-everything. Then at the same time I hate it when I say I am pre-everything and I am instantly placed in this "child" like view and I know nothing about life or anything else. It is rather frustrating. Why is there this masculinity check based off the length in time a person has been on T? In my experience it seems like a person's masculinity, manliness and rating of who is a better man is based off T and surgery and how long a person has been on T or how much surgery a person has. It infuriates me because there is so much more to what makes a man, and it also leaves out so many men that can't take T for medical reasons, or whatever reasons they have. It sucks having to introduce yourself in a FTM forum and then being asked how long on T or something else like that, then being honest and getting treated like a second-class citizen after that.

updates

2010-12-10T09:51:00.005-05:00

So I know it has been a while since I had really posted something. This is in part has been me being a bit weary about posting something that wasn't positive or at least hopefully or productive I guess. Things recently have been really rough and a lot of stuff has not been positive. I have been trying to work on stuff and figure stuff out and try to adjust to a new job and new place. In my efforts of trying not to be a gloomy Gus I began to realize that I started this blog to give another perspective of being trans, the stages of transitioning, and the complication of being a competitive athlete and transgender at the same time, and in that I started hiding more because of the fear that my negativity about somethings would put a damper on things and also deter people away. At the same time these negative experiences are what I go through have been the main aspect of my life right now and how to navigate through them and deal with them.
I wanted to start by addressing some emails I have received recently on whether or not I am going to join in the "It gets better" campaign. I am not, for the main reason being I am still waiting for it to get better. I can't say it does when I just haven't experienced it yet, I would feel like I am lying and I can't do that. I know it gets better for a lot of people, and I know and believe that Kids NEED to believe that and that it is important for them to have something to believe in, but that isn't my experience and I can't lie about that. I have dealt for years with negativity of being a part of the LGBT community and I am still waiting for it to improve. I have lost jobs, had to leave jobs, lost family, and friends and had the shit beaten out of me. This is real and it is painful and it is something I continue to navigate on a regular basis. I know it can get better but it is a lot more complicated than that and sometimes being told that is just as a blow as the negativity getting thrown at you. I say that because I know when things were really tough which really were only a matter of months ago that last thing I wanted to hear was It gets better; because to me that is like "oh well, I know this sucks but just deal and someday it will get better" When will it? And it is nice that it does but what do I do until then, how do I get through all this, how do I convince myself that this is worth the future of better? I think tools should be given to help people get through what they are getting through not just words. For these reasons I can not add to it, I don't think I am the right person.
But it is for these reasons, it is for these negativities and for all the shit that LGBT youth go through that things need to change. So that brings into the next update. I have the honor to be a part of an advisory group for the GLSEN Sports Project being headed by Pat Griffin. This project is attempting to make sports and PE classes safe spaces and equally available to all LGBT youth. I am so happy to be a part of this advisory group and it was great to be able to go to NY and meet all the amazing people involved in it. I am really pleased with all the different perspectives and ideas that were brought up and really excited by what this is going to bring about. This is truely important and very necessary in a day and age where we are as a society waking up to the very real reality of being Queer in schools and the fact the bullying is out of control and taking the lives of kids. Sports are a place of socialization but at the same time they are also one scariest places for LGBT youth and adults for that matter, and they can also be one of the most unsafe places for LGBT people. It shouldn't be that way, people shouldn't be afraid of being who they because they are athletes or enjoy sports. Kids shouldn't be terrified to go into a locker room to change for gym class. Kids shouldn't be treating people the way they are because they are not gender normative or heteronormative. This is a very real and serious issue. I am happy that GLSEN and Pat are putting this together and grabbing the bull by the balls and addressing these issues and others, so that kids can be themselves and feel safe doing it in their home away from home, school.

Another trans-athlete

2010-11-04T19:51:00.002-04:00

This is a very well written article about a young man playing division 1 college basketball. He is very brave and I am glad his university has been handling as well as it appears. I hope that he doesn't need to deal any negativity and he can focus on excelling at his sport.
http://www.outsports.com/os/index.php/component/content/article/24-people/338-transgender-man-to-play-for-womens-basketball-team

In Memory of Coach Joe Woodhead

2010-10-19T11:48:00.003-04:00

Yesterday my coach Joe Woodhead past away. This is a huge loss for track and field, Bates College, throwing, division III athletics and to his family, me and all the people that had the honor of having him in our lives. He dedicated his life to coaching and made his athletes feel like family. He was a great coach, teacher and man. If it wasn't for him I would have never thrown, and acquired all successes I have had in my career as a thrower, and in my life outside of throwing. He was like a grandfather to me and taught me more about being a good human being and to be the best in life than anyone else has.
Thank you Coach for everything you have done, for your dedication, your passion and belief and in all your athletes. If it wasn't for you I don't think I would have finished college, Thank you. You are and were loved very much and will be greatly missed.
RIP Coach Woodhead <3

NCLR Report Part 2

2010-10-12T08:31:00.003-04:00

I haven't had a chance to really talk about how much this report that the NCLR and It takes a team wrote up. I have the link in the last post, and once again I want to thank Pat and Helen for all their work and advocacy to create this.
Why is this important? This is important because as a transgender athlete no matter where you are in the spectrum of transitioning and coming out, sports currently are not conducive to our identities and do not support differences in gender identities and presentations. There are many talented and passionate athletes that can not and will not reach their full potential because of the barriers innately in place because of current sport doctorine. When I came out in college I was terrified not so much of being out but of losing my opportunity to compete and be an athlete. There were no guidelines, or resources for me at all. This report is an excellent resource for athletes, coaches, teammates, athletic director, and competitors. It allows for a safer environment for trans-athletes to come out, compete, and be themselves fully. The stress will still be there, the fear will probably still be there, because I don't think it is possible to come out and begin living as that person without fear and stress. But Now we can come out knowing there are people there to help us, there are reccommended guidelines, and there are resources to help.
There are athletes that hide who they are until the.y finally can't take it anymore and leave the sports or worse because sports don't allow us to be who we are. We are not able to compete at our fullest, because we have to deal with the stress of either hiding who we are to everyone else, including ourselves sometimes. Or we are who we are and we are dealing with the discrimination, hate, and misunderstanding of everyone. We are often times not competing to the best of our abilities since as everyone knows ya can't be at the top of your game if you are being pulled in a thousand different directions. This report allows us some relief, something to refer people to, something to use as a guide so it isn't up to us solely.
I hope that more and more people are able to find themselves in a place to be able to come out and be more comfortable to be who they are so that we are not seen as taboos anymore.

Trans athletes rights

2010-10-04T18:19:00.002-04:00

This is the report the NCLR, and it takes a team, and the women's sports foundation created. It helps make competitive sports more accessible and inclusive to transgender athletes. This is an amazing document that can really change a lot of lives and help all of trans athletes be ourselves and still be able to compete!!!
http://nclrights.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/groundbreaking-report-urges-high-school-and-college-athletics-to-establish-standard-national-policies-for-transgender-student-athletes/

Taking gender away from athlete

2010-09-10T19:07:00.002-04:00

I was having a discussion with some people most of whom are on the trans-spectrum and I was asked how can I compete as woman and not have that innately bother me and destroy my self-image anymore. I never really thought of it as that. For me I am not a female athlete, I am just an athlete, a thrower. I never really thought of myself as a female or a male thrower only as a thrower. When I enter that circle it is the only time I can be completely gender-free and be completely free of the gender stigmatizations. While I may compete in the female division, most of us aren't there trying to prove our femininism or our status as a woman we are trying to be great athletes. I have had to prove my "femaleness" at meets but even with that the circle and the competition are my forms of heaven. I am free to be what I want to be, I control everything in that space, I can be me without any worry of what is "it".
For me sports were always my way of getting away. I had trouble dealing with my identity because I didn't know what was "wrong" with me until I was much older and until then I felt alone, helpless and completely lost and disgusted with what I saw myself as. No matter what the sport I was competing in I was able to escape during those moments, because I could be seen as an athlete and nothing else. I am an athlete, and when i am seen as such I feel whole. Being an athlete is gender-less to me, it is my way is stepping away from the constraints of being male or female or being lost in translation somewhere in between. An athlete is so much more then male or female it is character description, a sign of passion, a way of life, a religon, a cult it is so much more than male or female.
An Athlete is an athlete simply put and for me that is freedom.

Turmoil

2010-09-10T18:48:00.002-04:00

So the last few months has been crazy. I have been dealing with a lot of inner and outer turmoil all around my identity. I am still at this PT clinic, I still hate my job. I love you my patients and working with them but working with my boss is what I imagine working for Stalin would be like. I need to take control of this, grab a bull by the balls and stand up for myself and leave this job. I just afraid to be jobless no matter the time period. My job has been really testing me psychologically, being called she all day long, having it over emphasized so that the patients have no doubt "what I am", being called a cold hard person and told I need to let go. Well what am I supposed to let go of when I can't be myself in this environment? I am tired of being told I eat too much, I am athlete we eat!
My inner turmoil I feel like has in-part been fueled by how hard work has drained me, and in part due to how much pain my body has been experiencing recently. I have been fighting a lot with myself on what to do with the rest of my life. I have been doing a lot of thinking about transitioning and I have started therapy which has helped a lot. I have been struggling with the fear of leaving everything (at least that is what it feels like) behind and transition which I am more and more wanting and needing. I started to realize that I have been putting my life on hold for 6-8 meets a year, that I am miserable every other day of the year. But I am also torn because I really want to be a trans activist a trans-athlete activist, but at the same time I am wondering if I may make a bigger impact as a transitioned man competing in the men's field. It is scary though sports is my safe place. I also started to realize that I am driving 2 hours once a week to go to Therapy, I don't know if I would be willing to do that if there wasn't something that needs to change.
I want to make it last my dreams in track, but I am wondering if it is really starting to hurt me both physically and mentally.

Invictus

2010-08-20T17:42:00.000-04:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

I think this poem says it all

My recent vacation

2010-08-17T08:19:00.004-04:00

I recently went on vacation to Provincetown, Ma; the cape's version of gay town USA. I went there with my fiance and my best friend and her wife, it was great except for a whole week I was a lesbian. I thought being in ptown I would more accepted for myself, but it was harder for me to be a man there than it was anywhere else other than work. It was really unnerving. I would go out and only be seen as a woman, a butch dyke out in Ptown. I thought this place was friendly but I really never felt it. At one point I was getting ready to drop about 300$ in MG Leather and the owner was feeling my arms and grabbed my ass thinking I was some hot dyke, but the minute I said I was not a dyke I am a trans guy I got instantly treated like a disgusting It. First of all don't touch me I have a personal bubble stay the fuck in it. Second of all why am I hot as a dyke but the minute I am something else I am disgusting? I walked out after she said she could tell a tranny from a mile a way. Well this tranny walked the fuck out of that. It was like that every where I went. It was really hard. I don't talk generally when I am out in public, and I bound every day all day and so I was really hurt by this. I thought I passed better as long as I didn't talk than I apparently do. I had a lot trouble dealing with this. I never identified as a lesbian, it never worked for me. I am not expecting people to know my sexuality and quite frankly it isn't their business unless I am sleeping with you. I just wish that I passed better.

how do you know

2010-08-09T21:58:00.002-04:00

How do you know it is time to put up the gloves and just transition? How the hell do you figure it out. Is it when it is all you can think about, or when is consumes all your thoughts. How do people know? How do people decide when it is time to just do it?

Season's best

2010-07-19T06:08:00.002-04:00

I hit a season's best yesterday of 65.16m which is about 213ft. I am very pleased with this since I had to take a couple of weeks off of throwing and focus in the weight room to really focus on studying for the boards.

On a non-track note, I am beginning to contact therapists with a specialty in gender identity so i can start to talk with someone about what's going on my head and try to figure out what I need to do to be happy.

Choices

2010-07-07T17:30:00.004-04:00

I am getting to a point in my life where I need to really think about whether or not I want to continue throwing or hang up my hammers and start transitioning. I am starting to realize that my involvement in track and field is really hindering my ability to function at an equal level to my peers. I am trying to really hard to not let this one bad work situation be the make it or break it of the rest of my life, but I wish I could say that this attitude, this treatment, and transphobia is what I deal with on an everyday basis whether or not I am at work or not. I want to be seen as an equal and right now because I don't fit anyones standards of appropriate gender norms it is preventing that. I love being a physical therapist. It was never what I imagined myself doing but I am so happy I am doing it. I know I am able to be a great physical therapist but I don't think I can do it or be given the opportunity to do in the current state I am in. I don't know if I am ready to leave track though, I really feel like I have begun to sing and that I could really do a lot in the next two years. I just don't know if it is worth it and honestly I don't know if I will ever know. I think part of it is me not being ready to leave throwing. Throwing is my whole life, I have sacrificed everything for throwing and now I don't really know what to do without it. I don't have any other hobbies, I throw and lift weights as my hobby, I can still do all those things it is just without the competition which is what makes it so enjoyable. I am also worried that throwing is my form of stress relief and it is a large part of what helped me stop cutting. I am afraid that if I leave track then I won't have the stress relief that I need, and I don't know what I will do without it. I have worked really hard to continue not cutting and I afraid leaving track will open that door open again. I feel ridiculous that I am in this stiuation, I pride myself on being stronger and more adjusted than this, but I really am at a loss as to what to do without track. What is making it harder, is I really define a lot of myself as a thrower. The first time I really found happiness was in the throwing circle, about the only place I still feel happiness is in the throwing circle. I don't know what is going to fill that void.
On the flip side though I wonder if I would be happier and not need throwing to define myself if I started living my life as the person I know I can be and I started looking and becoming physically and in turn more emotionally that person. I also think part of it is that I am so afraid of the unknown and disappointing people. I guess I feel like if I leave track I will really disappoint people and that I gave up on doing what I said I wanted to try and do, and I will just let people down if I leave track. I understand that my decision to live my life has nothing to do with anyone else, but I wish I could see that as reality.
I don't really know what to do, I wish there was a magic button that I could push that would tell me what to do and that would be that. I will be honest I am leaning towards leaving track. I have a lot of goals I want to achieve as a physical therapist. I want to get myself out there for the trans community to have someone to go to, I want to run camps and sports teams for the severely disabled and I want to be seen as a professional and for the talented PT I could become. Right now it is not as I am right now. My field is very homophobic and transphobic and heteronormative so I think I need to re-work my life plan.
I am going to get started with a therapist so I can get some help with this and really get the ball rolling if transitioning the way I chose to go.
I just have remember it is my choice and only mine.

Updates

2010-07-05T07:43:00.003-04:00

Writing has been really hard recently. Not hard to find time or anything but more emotionally hard, so I have found myself avoiding it. I don't want to relive shit, I don't want to be reminded of anything because I am already having trouble dealing with what is currently going on. I am stuck in limbo right now at a job where my requests of respecting my identity is ignored and I am stuck as a female employee that at every possible chance is identified as female so no one questions it. I can' leave, but I don't have anything else to fall on and staying is really testing my strength. It has been hard for me to handle, I was really optimistic (something I am often not) that I would be treated as a professional and instead I am finding out otherwise. It makes me really nervous about the future and how I am going to be taken seriously as a practitioner and as nothing else. I love doing my job, I love helping people and helping them live with less pain, and do things again, but the field is very heteronormative, homophobic, transphobic. How does a non-gender normative, certainly not straight, trans guy succeed? The double edged sword about it all is that my patients don't seem to have any issues with me, most of them call me he too. I say it is a double edged sword because while my identity is recongized by patients it is either "corrected" by the other employees or is used later to get me in trouble because I didn't correct them. I don't know if I need to educate the owner more which is something I am more than willing to do, I just actually don't think it is going to make a difference.
I have changed myself a lot to be more professional for work. I don't talk about anything especially anything to do with me. I have a conventional hair cut now, my tattoos are hiden, I have removed most of my piercings, I dress really conservatively for a guy. All of that isn't important though because it didn't work. I wish I could understand what is so offensive about my gender presentation, my gender identity, my gender that offends people so much. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happen to me but I can't. It makes me so angry I get so angry at other trans people then to because I feel like I can't find solice with that community either. I feel like an outsider every where I am. I don't belong anywhere. I get so angry because I have been through so much and as childish as this sounds how much more do I have to deal with. Life is hard I know, and everything happens for a reason, but it is exhausting to be strong all the time, to fight and fight just for a glimpse of hope of being treated fairly. I really just don't know what to do.

2010-06-30T08:25:00.002-04:00

I threw 61.98m here, not a great throw for me but it won the meet. I will post more video soon of nationals.

Interview

2010-06-28T11:29:00.002-04:00

I am starting the job interview process again, since I am having a lot of issues with my current job. (will explain more in a later post). I am really nervous, i am beginning to realize how much my gender identity is starting to conflict with ability to work in a safe and equal work space where I can be the good physical therapist I know I can be and am starting to develop into. I want interviewers to see me as non-gendered not because I am gender queer but because I want to be treated professionally. I want people to see me as a physical therapist not as a male or female physical therapist. My gender identity and sex and gender do not effect my abilities to treat patients, and don't make me any more or less of a physical therapist. I am sitting here, making sure I don't leave obscenely early and end up sitting in my car thinking of all the worst case scenarios that can happen. I am sitting here in a suit and a tie, and bound, and I have never felt more like a woman. I am thinking about that right now because I am trying to convince myself right now that I am a strong, handsome, talented man so I can go into this interview with confidence. But even though I identify as male, when I put a suit and tie on I feel like I am in drag because 90% of the time that is how I am perceived. I feel like I am hiding dreadfully what I am, and gender misfit. I want to be seen as male, but when I put a suit and tie on I feel like I am amplifying the fact that I am not technically. I don't want to wear anything else, I just wish I felt differently.

USATF Nationals

2010-06-28T06:24:00.001-04:00

I got 5th!!! I was seeded 10th, and I placed. That is the highest place I have ever gotten at this meet, it was great. I didn't have my best throw, but I held my own. I made some money and got a medal YAY!!!!

away

2010-06-21T09:57:00.001-04:00

Howdy,
Sorry for the lull in posting, I just moved, and having trouble at work. I will be going to track nationals this week too. I will try to post soon.

Corbyn

Discussions

2010-05-27T21:41:00.000-04:00

I was talking with my partner the other day about sports and my continuation in sports. She was asking me why I was still competing because she doesn't see me being happy doing it. And she was wondering why I would continue throwing with all it requires me to sacrifice and hating myself everyday because of it. I was little thrown off by her asking since she never really asks about sports. She always called sports my mistress, but at the same time she is my number one fan and comes to support me all the time. I was also thrown off by the questions because it is something I have thought about at length but never really had an opportunity to talk about it out loud. In way she was right I wasn't happy for a long time. I wasn't happy throwing because I wasn't me, because I wasn't able to really enjoy it. I was doing for so many reasons but I wasn't doing it for myself.
When I took time off for knee surgery in November, it was in a weird way exactly what I needed. I was able to take a step back and look at where I was and where I wanted to go. I was able to start finding a way to throw for me and stop worrying about what everyone thought, and the disappointment that would occur if I didn't throw.
Since I have to returned to throwing, I am still trying to find myself. I love throwing for 2-3 hours a day I feel like an unbeatable god that can't be touched. It isn't about being the best because I am not. It is about for those few hours I am no longer a gendered being, I am no longer being judged for appearance, I am free and I am me. I think what is keeping me in throwing right now is I want to be the trans-athlete now. I want to help others by doing it myself and showing that being a man or being a woman is what is between your legs or the hormones in your blood, or whether or not you have breasts. Being a Man or a woman is being who you are which for me is trying to become one the the best American Female hammer throwers, and that is the only way I know how to be a man.
My Partner also made a good point: "You can do it once you transition too"
It's a convincing thought

USATF Nationals

2010-05-24T16:00:00.002-04:00

I have qualified for USATF nationals. I did it this weekend. I am .8m short of the automatic mark but I am pretty sure my mark will be good enough to go. I am thrilled since I didn't know if I would be able to go this year due to my recent knee surgery. I can't wait for more meets to come.

Silently Screaming for a Voice

2010-05-11T20:48:00.004-04:00

More recently I have been throwing myself into the trans community at least the online version of the community. I have given information on FTM groups that are supposed to be all encompassing and showing all sides and variations of FTMs out there. Except I never really feel like I find me, or any sort of person or group anything like me. I want to meet more FTM athletes I want there to be more of a voice. I have tried to widen the voice at various "all-inclusive" FTM groups and sites being rejected, being informed that the trans-guys don't need anything to do about athletics because there isn't a big enough or significant amount of trans men that do it or participate in athletics. I find this ridiculous, it shouldn't matter if it is 1 or 1,000; I understand logistically that not often can anything be all encompassing, but to blantantly shoot down a member of the community because they are an athlete and being so misinformed on the amount of FTM athletes there are is appalling. There needs to be a larger voice. The trans community can not just throw us away because we are athletes. Too often I feel like the same trans guy is shown but never do I see the guy trying to be an athlete in whatever fashion, working out trying to accomplish a physical feat. I feel like this lack of voice makes it sound like trans men shouldn't be athletes or want to work out. I have been from other trans men in heated discussions I have had that to be an athlete especially me is trying to have the best of both worlds. Or trans men that want to be athletes are reinforcing the binary and further emphasizing that men are only men when muscular and doing manly shit like working out. These arguments are not only ridiculous but completely hateful. Men are men in their own right. There is no right or wrong way to be a man, only the man you are talking to can tell you how being a man is for them. Working out and being an athlete does not reinforce the binary it is close-minded thinking like that that reinforces the binary. Not all men athletes are "manly", or act like the "brawny" paper towel man. I coach men who read poetry and paint and actually do a lot of stereotypical unmanly things. I am athlete who loves project runway and the opera. I write poetry and love working with my hands but none of those things make me any more or less a man. I wish the voice of trans men athletes was not tainted with disdain from our own community. I hope that more people will be able to to be out as trans-men athletes in any stage of transition. We FTM athletes deserve a voice and be a part of community and see ourselves represented within our community.

Graduating

2010-05-06T20:44:00.003-04:00

Today was part 1 of 2 of graduating. I am graduating with my Doctor of physical therapy degree. I had my hooding/pinning ceremony today and have graduate procession tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I am really really excited and extremely proud of myself. I graduated with a doctorate after 4 years of graduate and 4 years of undergraduate schooling. I did it while competing at a high level of athletics and juggling with life and drama. I have the highest degree out of my whole entire family which is pretty cool. I think what the best is and it isn't something I talk about very much, but I am now, is the fact that I did it, I earned it by myself with everyone else telling me I was going to fail. When I was ending high school I was told I wasn't going to finish college, I wasn't smart enough after going through ECT and extensive pharmacological psycho-therapy. I was asked to re-consider college once I was there. When I applied for PT school I was told I wasn't smart enough, I would never get in, graduate schools told me not to apply I wasn't smart enough I was too much of a jock, I wasn't what they were looking for. Needless to say I got into NorthEastern University and once there not many people thought it was going to work, but it did and those who supported me and helped me THANK YOU!!!
Today and tomorrow is like a big fuck you to everyone who told me what I could and couldn't do, who tried to put a limit on what I could accomplish. This is a fuck you for those who couldn't get past my learning disabilities and told me I was stupid my whole life. I did it I got my Doctorate.

1st track meet of the season

2010-04-17T07:55:00.002-04:00

Today is my first track meet of the season, my 1st one since my knee surgery, and I can not wait. I don't really know how my knee is going to hold up, but I don't really care right now. I can't wait to get in the circle and feel like a god again, feel invincible, powerful and just plain happy. I am in a way happy my 1st track meet is going to be in 41 degree and rainy weather since I feel like that is where I can excel. I will be throwing at MIT with my athletes and I can't wait. Competition is my love as my partner says throwing is my mistress and today is the beginning of all the fun.

lack of resources

2010-04-09T23:11:00.002-04:00

I wish there was more help and resources available to people who aren't transitioned medically and still present as the gender opposite of their sex. I have three interviews next week for really big boy jobs. I am interviewing at three Physical therapy clinics to vie for being a full-time physical therapist. I am terrified about these interviews. I am really concerned about going on these job interviews. I don't know how to do it. I present as male, I live as male as much as I can except when I am competing, but my voice is very feminine and they have all talked to me over the phone and has assumed that I am a woman. I don't know how I go about it. I am going to show up, bound in a suit and tie looking pimping ;-) but I am so afraid of what is going to happen. Even though I am a new grad I am very qualified for these jobs and I am terrified that I am going to be judged based off of my gender presentation and assumed sexuality. I am trying not to assume that these employers are going to judge me based off of that but based off of my previous experiences I won't hold my breath. I wish there were more resources available on how you handle this kind of situation. How do handle meeting an employer who is under the impression you are female, then you show up and you are dressed like a man, trying your damndest to look like a man without raising eyebrows, bringing out peoples' insecurities and being judged because they either think I am the biggest dyke ever or some gender it. I don't know how to walk into that situation especially since the moment I talk I give myself up and interviews involve talking. I don't know if I say I am trans, I won't be medically transitioning for another couple years probably, so I know I don't really pass as I guy when I talk which is all the time i would really appreciate it if you used male pronouns. How the hell is that done without that affecting my possibility of getting a job. I am starting to wonder if I have doomed myself into a rock and a hard place by not transitioning and the effects it has on my day to day life. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. Thank you

Moving from Transgender and an athlete to a trans-athlete

2010-04-08T22:55:00.000-04:00

One of the hardest identity shifts for me was making the change to being a trans-athlete from being a transgender person and an athlete. I know they sound like the same thing but for me they were two very different things. Being a transgender person and an athlete were two seperate identities I held onto. When I was being the athlete I was no longer transgender and vice versa. It was a lot harder living within and in-between these two identities while never being able to be both only one or the other. For a long time I couldn't be both. I was so unsure of my identity as a transgender man for a long time that couldn't embrace being an trans-athlete. When I was busy being an athlete either practicing, competing and lifting I tried so hard to deny and hide my identity and all parts of it. I would try to be anything but trans, I would try to be the butchest butch dyke that ever stone butched. For a long time it was easier for me to be a stone butch dyke than it ever was being a FTM. It was in part due to the reactions of other people and in part due to my shame, disgrace and fear I felt with being trans. I still was entering new ground, I wasn't meant to be a trans athlete, it was taboo and not "allowed". Being trans especially while trying to be an athlete at the same time for a very long time wasn't about my comfort or ease with trying to find myself. It was all about how my gender identity and gender presentation affects how every one else's comfort and morals, and ability to feel like they were in a safe and equitable competing environment. It was virtually impossible to be that while being trans at the same time. When I left the sporting arena I became the "tranny" The queer to be the poster child of diversity for, the one selling out in order to make an AD look good. It took me a long time to start to converge the two identities.
I was starting to hate throwing, and wondering why I was working so hard and sacrificing so much when I couldn't be me and I was starting to not be me in any aspect of my life because of sports. I wasn't welcome in the trans community because of my personal decisions to not transition and not be considered gender queer, and because I was an athlete. I have been alienated from the athletic community because I came out, because I am so "out there" and non-gender conforming. A switch went off in my head and I decided to stop living as two completely different individuals. I began trying to compete as a trans-athlete. Now these aren't changes that anyone could see, they were internal and psychological. I started to love throwing again and I began throwing better than ever once I because a trans thrower. I was happier in my outside life too. Becoming a trans-athlete for me and allowing myself to let go of people's wants and needs and comfortability with who I am I just was. I said fuck it and competed as me. It was very important transition for me to make in order to be happy with what I am doing. It allowed me to strive for even more because for me I want to show the world that Transgender people can be athletes and damn successful. I want to be a person and break through the bullshit so that others can do it to. Transitioning into a trans-athlete helped reach that point in my life.

Relocation

2010-04-08T08:53:00.003-04:00

I am going to be relocating to the springfield, Ma, Northhampton area, I was wondering if anyone could tell me how Trans friendly that area is. I know Noho is the lesbian capital of Ma but it doesn't mean it is necessarily trans friendly.
Thank you for anyone's help

~The clothes don’t make the man, the man makes the clothes~

2010-03-13T19:43:00.000-05:00

I don’t understand the big deal about working out in a tank top. Everyone can do it all the “pretty” skinny woman do it, all the “big beefy boys” do it why can’t I do this. Every now and then it is more comfortable to wear a tank top then a t-shirt, or every now and then I want to show off the body I have worked so hard to get. I do not and will not feel bad for it, guilty for it, like a freak for doing it, nor do I or will I care about whether or not my tank top is offending anyone around me. I mean I know my tattoos are really offensive black and red tribal that are of a bull and a bird and a phoenix are very offensive. I understand that I don’t look “normal” or “pretty” when I where them but really who is it bothering. I find it very amusing that something as simple as a tank top can offend so many people. I know I look like a man with tits or some scary bull dyke but lets be real here I am a man with tits. I know this it took me a long time to deal with this and accept this in my life and I have to accept this until I can have top surgery. I don’t understand why others have to accept that too. My gender presentation doesn’t affect everyone else nor does it involve anyone else, it is only about me. I am at the gym I don’t care if people see me as him or her, when I go to the gym I throw my gender out the door. I actually have always felt very androgynous when I go to the gym. I become genderless because for me the gym is my escape from everything including the pressures of having to pass as one gender or the other and all the implications of my gender presentation throughout the day. I love throwing away gender when I enter the gym it is very liberating. It is one of the few times I feel confident enough to say fuck off to all those who have issues with how I look. I am there to be an athlete and only an athlete, throw some weight around then when I walk out of the gym I am a gendered person again. It is really sad that gender is involved in everything that we do. It is something that consumes us and overwhelms us even if we don’t know it. A lot of judgement is made entirely on how some presents their gender and how that skews from what is perceived as normal or appropriate. As pre-transitioned trans man it is keeping up these gender presentations at all times that becomes increasingly exhausting. It is really frustrating to not be guy enough because of what I wear. I know that when I wear a tank top I need to be more lenient with people since it is showy but all I can this of is SO WHAT? What if I called a man that only works out his chest a woman because his pecs look like tits that wouldn’t be cool but how is that different. Myself and anyone else should not have to spend their lives dressing in a manner that would be traditionally hetero and gender normative attractive. The world has so much more to offer, the world comes in so many various forms and so doesn’t the human race and all of those forms are beautiful in their own right. I noticed that once I stopped dressing for everyone else and starting dressing for me I was happier with my appearance but I also met a lot of animosity and disgust. I am only the one that has to look at me in the mirror I am the only that has to be ok and happy with how I look; I just wish I was able to take a step back and actually practice that. I wish I was as strong as I pretend to be and I didn’t care that people care that I wear a tank top. To be free from the restraints of judgment for me is freedom in its truest form.

On and off

2010-02-17T20:12:00.001-05:00

Hi,
I just wanted to let people know that I am still writing and still have a lot to write about but I am in and out of internet service since I am blocked from my own blog where I am living currently. I am hoping to have more new stuff up soon
Enjoy the Olympics!!

corbyn

Excuse me Sir, I mean Ma'am I mean...

2010-01-30T14:57:00.002-05:00

I quite often find myself wishing that it was socially acceptable to ask people their preferred pronouns, without hearing Ms. Manners screaming in the background on the audacity to even think to ask such a vile and rude question. But seriously what is the big deal about asking people their preferred pronouns? It is not asking what is between their legs it is just asking pronouns. Now I know there are probably more people who fit ever so nice and neat in their sex, gender, gender expression and gender identity all at the same time. And I am sure those people would be insulted if asked what pronouns they used since it would be seen as "are you stupid can't you tell". But I would rather ask and get it right then assume I am looking at someone who's pronouns match their gender expression it isn't always that easy. There are people who LOOK like their gender, sex, gender expression and gender identity matched had pronouns that didn't match what you thought you perceived?
Also Queer, trans, gender queer, gender variant, gay, lesbian people are not the only people who look androgynous. There are plenty of Non-queer (excuse the umbrella term) that would not fit in what has been decided as the appropriate gender-expression for their gender and it is just as hurtful to them to perceived as the wrong pronoun. Just as it is for all of us queers. Except the big difference is the non-queer wouldn't be held responsible or judged differently for the mistake. Where as in my experience it is the queer's fault for the wrongly used pronoun and that we should deal with it and adjust not the other people

So I get back to where I got started, why can't asking a person's pronouns be as simple as asking them how there day is or saying good morning or saying my name is Corbyn and I go by he, him, his. I hope someday the fear of being insulting by asking such things will go away and more people will be more comfortable asking and answering the question what pronouns do you prefer? Since the person asking must respect you enough to care to make sure to get your pronouns right.

A must read

2010-01-25T20:34:00.002-05:00

http://www.insidehighered.com/views/2010/01/25/griffin

This is written by Pat Griffin and Helen Carroll. These women are amazing Advocates for the Trans-Athlete and we are very lucky to have their support and activism.

What I like to call the big itch

2010-01-10T20:19:00.002-05:00

I can't get the thought of transitioning out of my head. Now that is not to say that I have never not thought about it till now, but now it is incessantly. Ever since I came out I thought about transitioning but my feelings towards it have greatly changed. At first I thought about transition as something that was really far away in the future, it was something I wanted eventually but not at that time, partly because of sports but partly because I was still figuring out who I was, what I wanted to become, how I saw myself and what would help achieve that vision. I then saw transition as something I wanted very much but I was not yet ready to sacrifice my participation in sports. So transition became almost a reward for my hopeful success and accomplishments in sports.
But more recently I can't stop thinking about transitioning and sports and trying to get this perfect plan on how I can have them both. Or I have been thinking about transition as the primary goal right now and sports becoming more of the distant future after transition instead of the reverse. I've been reading non-stop about other transmen and their transitions, listening to their stories on you-tube, reading up on resources, how to start the whole processes, doctors, therapists, legal requirements, surgery prices, etc... It has been addiction doing all of this, I hide when I am doing this, I pretend I am not as if I was doing something illegal making sure people don't really know how crazy I am going about this. My fiance barely knows I hide it from her because I know how much she worries about me and she knows how much reading and watching all the stuff kills me so I hide my new come obsession. I also hide it because I can pretend I am not this obsessed with transitioning and that I am still the athlete I know I am. I also hide because I am ashamed of how cowardly I am because all I did was come out and I haven't really done anything since then. I know everyone's path to their identity and through their transition is different; but I so often at times find myself wondering what good coming out did me if I have nothing to show for it. I am not trying to diminish the importance coming out and being out and open about who you are can have. But coming out has had done so much negative things for me that I can not help but feel that way.
With all I have accomplished in school and in sports, and having learned to dress more masculine and look more masculine; I still can not look into a mirror. I can't stomach what I see in the mirror. I want to resume bad habits in order to forget about transitioning for 2 more years or at least numb the pain of not, and subdue all of the self-hate and disgust that is bottled up inside of me. I've found that I have become increasingly jealous of those around me who can transition shortly after coming out, of the younger people able to transition and of those who have seemingly found solace in not transitioning. I hate myself for being jealous of them because I know it is a case of the grass is always greener on the other side.
I still love to throw, I live and breathe the hammer throw; but at the same time I can still throw after I transition. I have also come to realize that I don't want to leave track yet because of this preconceived belief that I will always regret not seeing how far I could go in athletics and that my whole career would have been a coulda, woulda, shoulda. I have accomplished a lot in sports thus far but I have always had two dreams in my life one: to figure out and become the real me, and two: to go to the Olympics. I know a lot of people dream about going to the Olympics and never go and I may be one of the people but how I will know if I don't try. But at the same time I wish I could try as a man so I could at least mention my sports accomplishments and not feel like I am lying about what I have done, or not talk about it because it would out me as trans. I already now can barely talk about it since I compete as a female, I want to compete as a man but I fear that once I do my shot at getting to the Olympics is gone.
I have also been thinking about how part of the reason I haven't transitioned is because I care way too much about what people think about me. I was at first concerned about my parents which I have now gotten over. But more so than that I have been terrified that once I choose to transition people won't see me as an athlete anymore and being an athlete is as much of my identity as being trans is. I fear people will see my transition as also my failure in sport. People may never think any of that. But in a way think all of that.
THe debate of starting to transition as soon as I return to Boston in April or waiting two more years has consumed my entire life, it is all I can think about. I am starting to wonder if anything not just a sport if anything is worth the sacrifices I have made and the potential many more to come

*sorry for the long post**
~Corbyn

Another internship

2010-01-05T20:18:00.002-05:00

So I am in Wisconsin for another internship. This is my last one and then it graduation and looking for a job woohoo! But another internship means yet another time when it feels like my my gender is a the butcher's block and getting spliced in every which way. I go to work bound, and wearing men's clothes that do the best to hide my hips and what is left of my chest and frankly I think I do a good job. I am seen as every pronoun hear I have been called, he, she, she-he, he-she, etc... and when I say he after the wrong pronouns they are not received and I can't tell if it is because they are focused on the patient or what. I have fears about having a conversation with my clinical instructor (CI) about my gender. The last time I had that conversation I almost failed my internship because of it. I know not everyone is the same but I am in an even smaller town and I live at the hospital I work at and so I don't want to ruin my living space as well. I wish there was a way right now that I could walk in with a neon sign across my chest that said "got dick" but alas there is not. I want to know what I am doing wrong to not pass, so that I can fix it. My inability to pass and the effect it is having on in the workplace has been making me consider starting to transition after school which is not what I want to do since I still feel like I need track to exist, like it is a huge part of my identity. I think one of the worst things about being trans is this unspoken obligation to explain who or what you are especially if you don't pass. I wish cisgendered people had to go around for a whole day and correct people all day on their pronoun and get called the wrong pronoun so that they can understand the importance and effect it can have on a person. I don't like to wear my identity on my sleeve, I like people to see me for my character and personality not my gender and sexual identity and I am making an assumption but I feel like most people want to be seen for who they are not what they identify as no matter what that it is. As a trans person it is always out there. When you compete your identity is out there to reassure people that you are competing in the right division and what not, and to reassure people you are not cheating. Your identity is out there in day to day life when you don't pass and have the anxiety of having to chose which bathroom to go into. Our identity is out there when we are at work, school, practice, or anywhere and we are called the wrong pronoun and in a situation in which we have to correct them. As a trans person my identity is always out there whether I want it out there or not. My identity is always what scares and confuses people the most. I know I have said this before but I am going to say it again; if I had any advice to give to any Trans people it is: We have to be better at what we do than anyone else, we have more stacked up against us and we have more to prove. We have to be better to get anywhere in life.

Intermittent Postings

2010-01-03T15:15:00.001-05:00

I am currently living in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin and I have very patchy internet service. I am still going to be posting and have much to write about I just can not very frequently.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Voice Coach

2009-12-29T18:57:00.002-05:00

Hello,
Does any know a good voice coach in the Boston area or advice on masculinizing a voice with out T? I am trying very to pass as a male 24/7 and my voice I believe is my biggest achiles heel. It is effecting my positions in school, internships and jobs.
Thank you!!

Approval from those that will never give it is the most desireable

2009-12-24T12:46:00.002-05:00

I am out in Colorado to see my parents for xmas, and I have been doing this since I was 18. I told my parents 4 years ago that I am Trans, plan on transitioning after the 2012 olympic trials and that I will be going by my chosen name and it has been legally changed. As I said in a previous post none of this went over too well. In fact it really ruined what if any relationship I had with my parents at the time. My mom is trying so I am a little forgiving of the mistakes, but my father is the big problem. He refuses to acknowledge my name change and has since I told him, he refuses to acknowledge anything I told him really. He justifies to himself by saying that he has always wanted a little girl and will never let go of the fact that I was his daughter since that was all that he ever wanted as far as children go. That is all fine and dandy but ever since I was born I was never a little girl, I was nothing close to daddy's little girl and everyone in my family except my father recognizes that. While I am home this time it has been very apparent that he will not let go of the fact that I am his daughter, putting me in the kitchen to work and generally treating me like a "dumb woman" something he has done forever and something I have always resented. When I guess you could say his daughter I was miserable and miserable to be around. I was institutionalized most of my senior year of high school for self-inflicted injuries, being gay and wanting to kill myself. When I accepted myself as being trans I finally let go of all the baggage I was holding onto and became a little happier and a whole lot more successful. Being at my parents house has made me realize that my father would rather me be the suicidal, cutting mess of a girl that I was then the happy, successful man that I am becoming. I can't in words explain how much that hurts, I don't think I ever could. I have never been close with my father but I also hate the fact of losing family. I am waiting till after xmas to defend myself and stand up to my father, but at the same time I know once I do I may have to find a place to stay for awhile before I go to Wisconsin. I never once cared if he understood or agreed I just wanted him to respect me but I guess that was too much to ask for.
~Corbyn~

Educating the Educators

2009-12-11T22:07:00.002-05:00

I am debating emailing the head of the Physical Therapy department at my university. I want to discuss there lack of knowledge in dealing with GLBTQA cases aka "students". They need a very direct and concise education on appropriate language, terminology, and needs of students. My experience in my internship that I technically failed because of my "gender issues" has lit a fire underneath my ass. My university advisor who has been handling this case and making sure I don't fail and making sure my next internship has an oh shit plan, while she has been great has not been great as well. My clinical internship teacher specifically used the term "gender issues" and said that is why I failed. My advisor addresses everything we have done as taking care of this issue. Now I want to be clear I don't have a gender issue the only issue are the people around me. There is a need to educate so that the student isn't blamed for others' ignorance and mis-education.

Losing Identity

2009-12-11T21:28:00.002-05:00

Recently I have been feeling like I am losing my identity. I find it hard to explain though. I know who I am, I know what I am trying to be, and all that but at the same time I feel as though I am losing my grip on it. It's like my palms are sweating and I can't hold to the bar I am power cleaning anymore. I'm starting to see the facade I have been playing up really hard has been crashing down and I am no longer seen as a guy but as instead as a butch dyke or a tranny. I am starting to feel that I can no longer pass. I don't know what to be seen as a tranny because when I am seen as such then too comes all the ignorant stereotypes and stigmatization's, most of which aren't really me. A lot of my identity comes from sport, really almost of my identity comes from sport. It comes from everything I feel when I compete: the power and strength, the ability to become anything I want, the ability to walk into the circle and know that I am one of the best and I will be damned if I go down easy. Sport also gave me the only place in the world I was safe or at least I could control what I would let touch/affect me. Ever since I had my knee surgery I haven't been able to throw or lift the way I like. This is a much needed time off and surgery and will make me a better athlete but at the same time it is taking a part of my identity away. I am lucky enough to have good genetics for muscle build and so I would go to the weight room to get good at a sport but also to look like a man. I would lift "like a man", I would take great pleasure out of lifting more then most men, I would work my ass off to look like a man over being good.
Not being able to be in my comfort zone at my sport has left me feeling naked with my identity. My sport while being my biggest hurdle as far as preventing me to transition but in a way is my crutch. It allows me to not have to face the fact on who I am. It helps me hide and just be an athlete and not a trans person. I have spent most of my life hating who I am and not understanding what why I was who I am. I came out in college and in a way went back in the closet after college because of what happen when I came out, I just hid in my sport and never denied what I was I just never said. Taking the last month off completely as well as some other things has made me question my identity as in "Did I do the right thing?" I am starting to believe that throwing myself completely into my sport and becoming a student and an athlete and nothing else I ruined myself. I have been debating even going back to my sport right now and just start transitioning but the fear of failure and not being able to throw afterwards prevents me. My identity is becoming more trans and not less of an athlete it is just starting to even out. My disappointment is not being able to entirely be both, the rules don't allow it. That is what sucks about sports sometimes in its exclusion of people to create the best field of competitors there are some left out many of whom were the best.

Privilege of Passing

2009-12-10T16:04:00.001-05:00

I was at the Transcending Boundaries this weekend and went to a workshop on the privilege of passing. I found this to be a very enlightening and amazing workshop. There was a great range of age, trans men and women, gender queer, and so on. It was really nice to discuss the difficulty of passing each of have in our given gender and life and how it is a privilege to pass as your gender. I often struggle with the privilege of passing or the ability to pass and how it does and doesn't affect my ability to live and breathe as who I am. I often times am told that if one displays themselves with confidence then one will pass a whole lot better; or not many really people care about your gender expression. While I agree more with the latter, none are entirely true. Yes confidence has a lot to do with, but lets be honest some people as hard as they try and as much confidence as they may have some of us trans folk can not pass, I am one of them. Confidence can go far in queer communities sometimes far in friendly communities but in the rest of the world confidence in my experience mean jack. The biggest theme of this workshop was displaying oneself with confidence, and how that saves all and fixes all.
The thought of passing has always interested me. I find that there isn't just one way to pass and there are both pros and cons for all levels of passing. For instance if you completely pass as your gender identity then quite often you are not welcome in the Trans community because you are not "queering gender" enough. If you don't pass as I don't whether it be for body shape, facial features, voice, etc... the trans community will sometimes take you in it depends and then the non-trans world knows that you are not "normal" Then what about people who don't want to pass, who are gender queer, or FTM or MTF with no desire to transition; should passing matter on the general public? Or should passing matter on the individual's belief that they are passing how they want to? I feel like it should be the latter but I don't know if the world would ever be ready to let go of the dispositions especially on gender.
Passing in my life is a privilege a privilege I don't have. Passing is always a privilege though since it is rather expensive to pay for the medical procedures and therapy in order to pass. Passing effects everything from relationships to jobs. Everything changes based on how you pass, or what you pass as. People aren't ready to let go of the very strong beliefs on gender and how it should be presented and I just don't know if passing is as simple as leaving the house with confidence.

Coaching

2009-12-03T22:03:00.002-05:00

I began volunteer coaching at MIT yesterday and I always forget when I am not doing it how much I LOVE to coach. I adore coaching, I love watching people learn and get better at things and knowing I had a slight hand in it. I also love coaching because it is one of the only things I have in my life that isn't affected by gender or sexuality. My athletes don't care whether I am male or female or how I represent my gender identity. All my athletes care about are my credentials as a thrower, an athlete, a coach. They care about what can I give them, what can I teach them and most importantly how hard I am going to push them at practice :p . But they don't care about how I look or how I identify they just care about how am I going to make them a better thrower. That is what I love about coaching. It is pure, it is sport and when I am coaching or even when I am throwing everyone around me is just an athlete or a coach they are a member of that sport and that is it; they don't have anything other than what they can and can't do in the throwing circle. Our only flaws are technical flaws that prevent us from throwing farther. I guess that is what makes leaving sports so hard, the ability to either participate or coach and be who I am without the judgment. It has always amazed me that when I am coaching college athletes we are laughing and having a good time and everything but I always catch myself wondering if that is how they would feel if they knew me outside of track or would they only see me for my "flaws"?

Another step back for gay marriage

2009-12-02T15:29:00.002-05:00

New York has denied the right for gays to get married. I think a new approach has to be tried since the current/old one isn't working.
Apparently the decency of people is not what we have hoped and that the majority of people don't care about people's civil rights until it is their civil rights being taken away.

Civil Rights should never be voted on ever!

Relationships

2009-11-22T21:44:00.002-05:00

Relationships have always been really hard for me for numerous reasons. I had trouble trusting people, committing to people, I wasn't comfortable with who I was and so on. I used to date lesbians and had a lot of trouble with finding lesbians that were comfortable with my gender identity so those never lasted long. I always had trouble connecting with people. A lot of that had to do with my lack of understanding of my own gender identity and difficulty putting together an identity and expression that worked for me. It is impossible to connect with someone when you can't even connect with yourself and see yourself as an out of body entity taking this shell as a temporary habitat till a more suitable one arrives.
As with every relationship sex is eventually a big part of it. I found this is what stopped me from having meaningful relationships with women. I was never pleased sexually because they didn't know how to touch me and couldn't touch how I wanted them to because it conflicted with who they were sexually. I also wouldn't let women touch me, I didn't want to be a woman and never saw myself as one and instead of explaining how I want to be touched I just took all the attention off of me so they didn't touch me. A huge part of my gender identity is based around my place in my relationships with my partners and for a long time I lost with them too.
I met a woman that helped me feel masculine and supported my coming out but in return couldn't be seen out in public with me, or with friends unless I was the Trans boyfriend, because she needed to be queer and I wasn't queer enough unless I was telling my story. That was a hard relationship to be in. It is hard as a young tranny and not having felt comfortable in any relationship to leave a relationship with someone that finally started to make me feel the way I wanted to. I stayed in an abusive relationship out of fear that I wouldn't be accepted by anyone else stupidly. Having talked to other trans men and women I now I know I am not the only one, and the fact that there are more is a shame because we should feel and know that we can be accepted and need to leave the abusive relationships to get it.

I wanted to give a quick background on my experiences in relationships but the real reason I wrote this was because of my current partner. I was at the conference Transcending Boundaries in Worcester this weekend and as I was in one of the workshops I was sitting there realizing that I have grown a lot. It sounds really corny and adolescent to say but I really wouldn't be where I am mentally without her. When I met her I was terrified of living as a out trans man, I was still very disgusted with who I was and what I was. My partner brought out a man in me I knew was there but never thought would come out, by only seeing me as her man and nothing else. Her support and gentle pushing to be who I am helped me even show my face in trans communities and then feel brave enough to then go to conferences like TIC and Transcending Boundaries. My Partner's belief in trans rights and her knowledge in Trans history and support of the community also helped me feel more comfortable. She helps give me strength to be who I am. I have been told several times that it is unhealthy to base our identities around someone and I don't. I will always be who I am now even if she was here she helped me find that person. We are all affected by people and especially those closest to us. I still have trouble with my identity in this relationship and it isn't perfect but I never really appreciated till today how far I came because of her.

Transgender Day of Rememberance

2009-11-20T08:36:00.002-05:00

This is a link someone informed me of. It is deeply sad, but very much a perfect statement for today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKCMONBGcpc

As fitting for the day it is also Pouring in Boston.

2009-11-18T18:18:00.000-05:00

I continuously struggle with my role in educating people, or being out there as a role model. I want to be a role model and a resource for people to use and go to. But I can't always do it in a vocal role such as with the media and what not. I have been asked to do these kind of venues in the past for various things but I can not commit to that. I run the risk of future employers seeing me and then not hiring me because of their personal opinions. I feel guilty and sad every time I turn down people for that matter. I want to be out there but I can't not work. I wish there was a way to do both because I would love to help young trans people because I know how hard it is to not have resources readily accessible and have people not understand. I am always open to questions and discussions, and talking about so many things and I want to get it out there that I would love to start a discussion and safe place even on my blog for people to ask questions, and use me as a resource and help and/or just a complicated trans person that can lend an ear.

~Corbyn~

explanations

2009-11-17T22:04:00.000-05:00

Does anyone ever get tired of explaining yourself? Explaining your identity? Explaining your sexuality? Explaining why or why not you present yourself in a certain manner? I know I am. I get very tired of having to explain who/what I am, to professors, to professional colleagues, to other athletes and to coaches. Explaining myself to members of the queer community and straight community. I never understood the importance explaining to others what is in-between my legs and why I do or don't chose to look like it on the outside. I mean really I have always wondered if I represent what is between my legs would it really helped, since back in the day when I had long hair I looked a very un-passing un-comfortable drag queen according to everyone who has seen it.
The explanations get really old when I have to defend who I am so that I can be acceptable to the person I am talking to. When my explanations become apologies for my existence and for how I am sorry for taking up space and being different. My explanations for who I am more recently have been trying to explain why my differences make me who I am and try to make them less offensive to the people I am saying them to. It has been rather frustrating. Especially when it is with fellow queers. I will never understand why queers hate on queers with more hate, force and disgust than straights. I hate explaining why I want to be seen as a guy and not as gender queer, or why I can't be overtly queer because I am trying to work in a professional field. I hate having to explain that I do love being queer and I do want already stand up for trans rights but I also have to get a job and I work in a conservative field. I don't have the luxury of working in queer friendly jobs. I could have if I chose to but I wanted more. Also being an athlete is NOT an un-queer thing, it is NOT against the rules to be a jock and to enjoy and love sports. It is ok for a jock to be queer at the same time. I know that sports are stereotypical heterosexual but what the hell is wrong with breaking the stereotype isn't that queer? I wish there was more of a live let live policy in the queer world, and appreciation of all the individuality within the world and our community. Since until we stop hating each other we will never get others to appreciate us.
Explaining myself everyday is exhausting, I once asked someone to explain themselves to me. They became so offended and insulted and couldn't understand why I asked them. When I explained that is how they made me feel they were still baffled. How ironic?

Knee Surgery

2009-11-13T17:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had knee surgery. I had a right knee chondroplasty which is fancy talk for a knee scope. At least that was what the surgery was supposed to be. My knee ended up being in worse shape than both I and the doctor thought it would be. I have a Osteochondritis dessicans (OCD) lesion on the posterior lateral portion of my femur which like having a hole in the bone, on the weight bearing surface of the bone. That hole was a whole lot worse then expected it was the size of a quarter and a few millimeters deep which means it went through the cartilage into the bone. THe doctor also had to do a lateral release of the the lateral compartment of the knee joint. That means the doctor cut the fascia and muscle to release the tension so that the patella will sit in correct anatomical position instead with a tilt. He had to do micro fractures of the bone at the hole in the femur to cause the bone to bleed so it can form a fibrous cartilage callous over the hole to try and prevent it from getting worse. They also did a whole lot of cleaning on top of that. Needless to say I am now non-weightbearing for at least a week and lot more rehab than expected.
The biggest problem is the surgeon was not happy about the state of the OCD lesion in my femur. Apparently he doesn't think the micro fractures is going to help and that I am going to need another surgery. He thinks I need an allograft bone plug to close the hole, or else he is afraid the bone in my femur will die. That surgery is a minimum of 8 weeks nonweight bearing and 6 months rehab. I don't know if it is going to hold. I don't know what will happen as far as throwing if I do it. I know I will most likely need a knee replacement by the my early 30s if I don't do it, but I also don't know how long the surgery would delay the total knee replacement. I am really at a loss as to what to do I never thought my knee was this bad. It pretty much sucks.

Out outside of college

2009-11-10T20:48:00.000-05:00

I haven't talked much about being an out trans-athlete outside of college. The adjustment from college track and field to non-colleigant track is rough whether you are queer or not. You have to figure out very quickly how to pay for all your meets, travel and equipment, you have to find a coach, and/or a place to train, you also have to find the right meets and everything else. There is a lot of stuff that you relied on your coach for that is now all in your hands and so it is a big adjustment. It is also an adjustment to compete against the best in the country at all levels rather than just DIII as it was for me. Personally I found all but the funding to be easy and work itself out along the way. Being out certainly made me the black sheep. I was isolated and almost quarantined because of it. I was constantly questioned on my gender identity and whether or not I was cheating and taking T because of my appearance. I found more doors close than open due to being out. I lost abilities to compete at bigger meets not due to lack of talent but lack of blatant heterosexuality. In my sport women are shunned for being more masculine then they are already naturally are due to their high levels of muscle bulk. My competitors over feminize themselves in order to not be seen as anything masculine b/c of their body shape. Any woman not fitting the feminine identity is shunned in order to keep the feminimity of the athletes well set. Most often at meets I am called the tranny the It throwing. I have been asked at big meets if I was aware that I was competing in the women's competition and that I must have misheard. People call me the he-she, she-he and find cute little ways to put jabs in every chance they get.
Being an out trans-athlete I've learned that you have to mentally tougher than all of your competitors, and willing to sacrifice more and work harder to accomplish the same thing as your competitors. I guess that should make my accomplishments mean even more to me but I find it to be a double edged sword in that my accomplishments do mean something but I work and drive myself into the ground mentally and physically for track, and yet I am still seen as a nobody in track and field not because I can't throw but because I'm trans.
There are days where I wonder if it is worth since being an elite athlete you sacrifice your life no matter your identity but when for me I closet my identity again. I continue to live in skin I can't even look at in the mirror to throw. People have asked me if it is worth it or why I sacrifice my identity. That answer is relatively simple. I love to throw. THe only place in my life I feel whole, I feel powerful is in a throwing circle. I feel powerless in the rest of my life and regaining that sense of power feels great. I veered off the topic of being an elite trans-athlete. But for me personally being that athlete I have this debate on a regular if not daily basis. I have a personal struggle of is it worth it? Is losing and sacrificing your identity worth it? Is destroying my body worth it?, etc... When I can't answer immediately or I can't say with 100% certainity that it is worth it, or my love for throwing has died then I will quit, but till then I will continue to have this debate and question every decision I've made, but I will also throw and turn heads while doing it.

New Poem

2009-11-05T23:25:00.001-05:00

So I this is the 1st poem I will post, but as some background I write a lot of poetry. Some will be new some will be old. My thesis in College was a collection of poetry about being trans and life in general.

I'm a hard bodied woman
strength of a God
Power to overcome the barriers of a binary world

I'm a Flamboyant man
accenting with flair
limp wristed
strong grip never mistaken for weak

I'm a femme girl
walking in 4" heels with legs for days
with my short little red dress
all look and no touch
It's what's underneath that's the real surprise.

I'm the male jock
Can crushing biceps, washboard abs
tree trunk legs so I can drop to my knees to lick the boots of my girlfriend

I'm a Stone butch dyke
Got my strap-on on and my motorcycle boots
Can't change my oil but
my girlfriend can

I'm a twink
I'll take it up the ass
only after I've beaten and dominated yours

I'm a tranny Boi
packing and binding
I'll my show my tits since binding hurts
and my piercings are too fun to hide

I'm all these
Stuck in a singular
form the word isn't ready for me

Hate Crimes

2009-11-05T23:03:00.000-05:00

So I recently realized in my Facebook tabs of people much to my horror I know someone who believes that any and all hate crime legislation is regression rather than progression. I was so intrigued at this point that I had to read why this person felt that way. Apparently in their mind they see that having hate crime legislation means making all of us queer GLTBQQAI members the so-called "others". While I understand that mindset and the radical thinking of trying to get us to be the same rather than others. I feel as though we have to face the facts and realize that we are the others to all the people making the legislation and trying the criminals in court. I am not saying that is right or that it shouldn't be changed I am saying that is life. I am speaking as a victim of hate crime with real life experience of watching the people getting away that hate crime is a real thing and legislation is necessary.
After reading the opinion piece of hate crime all I could remember were the times I had "die faggot die" was written on my locker, or when my locker was lit on fire or when I had a sports team break my ribs and bruise my internal organs in a locker room before a big game in HS, or the time I was chased for miles in Nebraska my angry truck drivers, or the time a man tried to sexually assault me to make me ungay, or the time the Boston police decided to rough me up all those times they got away. I have seen even worse hate crimes, I have lost people to hate crimes. I once had to try and convince a crying man to not kill himself and to not let the people who raped and beat the shit out of him for being gay win and that someday people will love us for who we are, even though I felt like I should have told him he should have because I don't think the world will ever love us for who we are. Right now we are the others and while that individual is allowed their opinion, queer people everyday are raped, asualted and killed without the offender getting much more than a gentle slap on the wrist without the legislation. Hate crime legislation is just trying to level the playing field that is so uneven.

"Gender Issues"

2009-11-04T21:43:00.000-05:00

I found out this week that my clinical instructor (CI) from my recently completed internship for physical therapy actually admitted to failing me because of my "gender issues" I knew since day one that this was an issue, I was placed at an ultra conservative catholic hospital. I ever so often got sly little comments like "she can't get her work done quick enough" or "She is my student and She isn't doing well" I asked her to respect the fact that I asked her to use male pronouns and that as a professional to respect me and my wishes. Each time being met with a I slipped and so on. I spent just about 8 weeks being told how I was stupid, and will never amount to being anything good, and will fail. My College pulled me out of the site early due to my CI's inability to teach and instead just put me in a no win situation. My advisor later found out all of this was due to my "gender issues" and had to have a candid conversation with me about me. That conversation went well, she was very receptive and made it clear she is hear to make sure I get the same opportunities as my classmates and is willing to protect me. But at the same time she blantaly stated that she doesn't understand why I am having the problem and that I am just going to have to be better than all my classmates. People who have never been hated just because of their mere existence and know nothing of discrimination don't understand. They don't understand how it effects and changes a person, they don't understand how people can just don't know a bad situation. THey may try and may want to understand but don't understand because they have never lived it.
As far as being better than everyone else, I don't know a queer alive that doesn't to get anywhere. As an athlete I have to be better than anyone in order just to be average to everyone. Apparently the same will be true to be a physical therapist. I am trying to write about this in a way that is professional and showing both sides, but I must say that proves to be very hard. I wish I could say that my presentation has destroyed jobs and job opportunities but it isn't. Because of my identity and presentation I may also lose out on my opportunity to work at a neuro rehab clinic which was a dream come true when I found out I got it, but because of my "complicated situation" my college doesn't know if it will be a safe place for me to be. I want to live in a world where there actual is no discrimination against gender identity and not some pretty little law in a meaningless rule book.

Not Transitioning

2009-11-03T20:52:00.000-05:00

The decision to hold off on transitioning was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. When I decided to initially I was still in College and I was still competing and defending my titles and wanted to graduated with a little complications as possible. I decided to not transition so I could graduate doing everything I wanted to accomplish. Once I graduated and I had two years before the next Olympic trials, I started working with a great coach and knew I had a chance and I just couldn't give up on that shot of possibly making the Olympic team. Now while I was close and did better than anyone expected me I didn't succeed. I still have held off transitioning and I wonder everyday if I am making the right decision. I have mentally decided that I would keep going through to 2012 and then begin transitioning and compete as a man, but as I just posted can I wait that long.
My decision to not transition has slammed doors in my face on job opportunities. It has severely effected my education causing discrimination on my internships because people can't deal with what is called my "gender issues". By not transitioning I have been boxed into the gender queer identity which I have a lot of trouble identifying with. I am by no means trying to be a stereotype of masculinity, I just feel comfortable and myself when I am seen as a guy and being a guy. My decision to not transition has distanced me from sects of the trans community as well. Being seen as wanting the best of both worlds, and not willing to be strong enough to sacrifice things in order to transition. The decision to not transition didn't come without lots of thinking and weighing in all sides of the issue. When I made the decision I made it for my love of sport, and the sport I have dedicated my whole life for. I ruined relationships and lost friendships as well as lost my identity all for track.
I wish there was a feasible way to be me and be an athlete all at the same time but I don't see there being a chance, especially being able to compete at the same level I am competing at. I've lost who I am, I can only see a woman when I am even at my best of passing, despite only feeling like a man. I did this all to compete to be the best at something and accomplish something not many people trans or non trans can say they have accomplished. Instead of finding support my decision to not transitioned has closed doors and exiled me from a community I want to fight for and be a member of.

~Corbyn~

Complications

2009-11-03T20:51:00.001-05:00

So I've been struggling a lot recently with track being put 1st before transitioning. I've been thinking about quitting track and transitioning now and then try to get back into it as a guy, but I don't really know if that would work. It is hard to really walk away from something that has been my life for the last 7 years, especially when I am so close to achieving my dream of making the olympic team. But at the same time I have sacrificed so much for track, all at my choice but nonetheless it takes a toll after a while. I live my life as a man (or at least I try very hard to), but then I throw and compete as a woman. I have many times lost track of who and what I am because I am a different gender to everyone you ask and despite asking for the respect to call me he it is not often given. My decision to not transition has hindered my ability to get jobs since I am trying to work and finish grad school in a professional field, people don't want to hire the "It". I have lost sponsership for track because I came out and became the trans-athlete poster child for my college. I have been denied enterance to meets because I am trans but yet I keep coming back for more. I don't even know why I keep coming back, I love to throw sure, but it is loving to do something truely enough to deny yourself who you are? I guess that answer depends on who you are and what it is. For me I thought it was, until recently. I'm starting to watch people around me transition, and being around people who have transitioned, and it is eating me alive. I am so happy for those men and women but at the same time I am the green eyed monster, and it has made me want to transition more and more everyday. I hate being seen as a woman, I Hate seeing myself as a woman. No matter how well I bind, or how big my cock is, still only see myself as a woman. I thought I was mentally tough enough to hold off until after 2012 olympic trials/olympics but I am starting to doubt if I am. A person can only hate themselves so much I don't look in the mirror anymore, I am starting to become a shut in because I don't want the world to see me, so I only am going out for work. But when I throw I feel like a God I feel like noone can touch me. I feel like I rule the world with every turn and when I let go it is a feeling I only have when I throw. So I come back to the question of: Is loving to do something enough to deny your identity and enstill nothing but self-hate?

Locker Rooms/Bathrooms

2009-11-01T21:20:00.000-05:00

Here comes the dreaded locker room/bathroom conversation, the conversation that starts with people running the other direction. In my experience locker rooms especially but also bathrooms are two very underestimated and discussed issues for Trans individuals be they athletes or not. In my experience there is an overwhelming assumption that this issue will "work itself out" or "can be dealt with at another time", or is a "simple solution." This is issue will never work itself out, shouldn't be dealt with at another time and is in no way simple. For example I am a female bodied individual with a male/masculine gender identity, and I present as a man in my everyday life, but I still have breasts and a vagina. My physical body makes it impossible for me to go into the men's locker room without dangerous repercussions. My gender identity and presentation are masculine so I can "pass" as a man, which makes it extremely difficult to enter the women's locker room without embarrassing and mentally damaging repercussions. Locker rooms especially is a daily stress that there really never feels to be a simple solution for.
When part of an athletic team for college, high school, elite level or recreational there is a part of team-bonding that occurs in the locker room. Whether it is before going out to warm-up before the big game, or after a long hard practice, a huge part of the team experience, and the joys of having teammates comes from what occurs in the locker room. This is an experience that Trans athletes can't be a part of. Often times the solution for not knowing where to put an out-trans athlete is to create a new space that is their private changing area, as a way to avoid uncomfortable situations whether it is from "mismatching" genitalia or people knowing that this person is Trans.
My College completely moved me out of the women's locker room, and gave me a dungeon cell in the athletic building that was all mine. My teammates constantly asked why I wasn't in the locker room and it seemed stupid. I never really appreciated the amount of team bonding occurred in the locker room until I was banned from it. It was really nice to have teammates there to lean on after a 5 hour practice with your coach screaming at you the whole time. I was lucky enough to be a captain and a senior with a well established relationship with many of my teammates to not have it greatly effect the team feeling. But what about freshman athletes, or people new the team or sport? What are they going to do? Many people may view their "isolation" with a separate locker room as "why are they special?", "What is going on with them?". This isolation will completely skew the team dynamic and the ability for a Trans athlete to bond and build a good relationship with their teammates. But at the same time it is not often safe for Trans athletes to use the locker room of the the gender of which they are competing. So what are Trans athlete's supposed to do?
I have often believed that part of being a trans athlete is being willing to make a lot of very hard and uncomfortable sacrifices, but safety should never be one. And being part of team can't be one either especially if you want to play sports, even in track and field which is an individual sport it is still a team sport all at the same time. Part of the reason I love sports so much is because of the team and the atmosphere the team brings to the sport. When I was separated so much from them by not sharing a locker room it significantly decreased the amount of bonding time I had with my teammates and the amount I could get to know them. I spent so much time training for my individual events that during practice hours I didn't have that opportunity as well. In a way I am happy I am participating in my own event because if I was on a basketball team for instance I don't feel like I could compete with confidence with my teammates. I feel like knowing their personalities on and off the court would help me better know what to expect from them and how to play with them. I really don't think there is a perfect solution to the locker room situation. I always thought let the individual change in the locker room of the gender they are competing in if they feel comfortable and their teammates feel comfortable. Or often times there are separate rooms in a locker room that can be made that athletes to change but the athlete will still be in the locker room.
Bathrooms are another big issue. I have a personal soap box of every College, and university needs to have at least one gender neutral bathroom in every building on campus. This bathroom can be a handicap bathroom so that there are more options that are less public for disabled individuals as well. I can not tell you how embarrassing it is to be physically escorted out of bathrooms by airport security or men using the bathrooms, or to have women yelling about the man in the woman's restroom, and so on. It is demoralizing and humiliating. Single stall bathrooms are not hard to manage and quite frankly I don't understand why they are damn hard to come by. I once was called a rapist in a women's bathroom, I wasn't binding, and was wearing a tighter shirt for me, that situation disturbed being a victim that is last image I ever wanted to portray. I have friends that are self-identified butch lesbians that can't use the bathroom either for the same stigma of a "man in the Woman's room" The men's room are not often that bad, but I don't always pass enough to enter, nor do many other people nor do many other people want to. I think there needs to be a bigger push on campus for single stall restrooms every where, but especially on college and university campuses where there are growing populations of transgender, intersex, and gender queer individuals.

~Corbyn~

Coming out Part II/Being an out college Trans athlete

2009-10-30T17:25:00.000-04:00

When I started my senior year of college one of the 1st things I had to do was have a conversation with the new head coach. That was pretty easy which I was very thankful for and very surprised by. When her and I met she had a list of questions for me which were mainly: "Why now?" "What made you decide that this was the right decision?", "How did your parents take it?", "How can we help make this easier". After that her and I decided that we would both talk to the team, and that we were going to do everything possible to make sure the focus was on the team and not me. I was already a focus since I was one of the best throwers in the country in DIII. We had a lot of outstanding athletes and so we wanted to have an equal focus on them so they could be recongnized for their accomplishments in sports. I thought that was perfect and I always believed in the team before the person. When I told the team, they were pretty much like oh whatever that is now big deal, we still like you. They were awesome and were like we may slip on the name since we got used to calling you by your birth name but other than that no big deal. I can count on one hand how many times my whole team slipped on my name or pronouns. The team was also asked not to talk to reporters so that what got out could be filtered and funneled through to the right people, so the right things were said.
The season went buy with relatively no problems, as far as competition was concerned. I had a couple of sneers of there's the tranny throwing, and what's it doing and what not. I had a forum started on why I shouldn't be allowed to compete in track and field as either a man or a woman. The most insulting moment though came from my own college. They every year award a male athlete and a female athlete athlete of the year award. That year was my year to win, I was put on the back burner so that other senior athletes could win it. But that year, my whole team even was waiting in anticipation of me receiving the award. And honestly that was the only award I wanted, since I was constantly seen as less of an athlete than my colleagues and this was my way of separating myself. At that time I was the most decorated female athlete in the history of the school, and that time they decided not to give it because I "chose" to not conform to gender norms, and they couldn't very well allow me to named female athlete of the year after I came out as being male identified despite the fact I competed as a female and still do. My team was enraged and protested the award, my coaches almost lost their jobs defending me, and my teammates wrote letters of complaint that in the end were used against me despite the fact that to this day I don't know who wrote them. My college decided at that point that they were going to use me as their diversity poster child but when it came to defending me they dropped the ball. They justified their lack of action by saying they already did so much and couldn't justify doing any more, and that the fact that my teammates called them transphobic (without my knowledge) was uncalled for and warranted their lack of support. Much to their chagrin or not, I ended up graduating the most decorated athlete in the history of my college. A two-time national champion, 16 time all-american, as well as holding a national record that still is in place 4 years later.
After that I stopped throwing for my college, I began throwing for me, and said fuck it to everyone who didn't understand or want to. After I made that transition I never threw better. But that was only the beginning of discrimination, transphobia and hatred that I would face as both a Trans athlete, and as a Transgender person.

Transitions are a part of everyday life, they don't always have to physical. The smallest changes are often times the most meaningful.

~Corbyn~

Coming out

2009-10-29T20:10:00.000-04:00

Where I grew up and how I grew up you didn't know what Transgender was. I always knew I was different, for instance I never knew I was gay until I was told by a psychologist that I was gay because I was a woman and liked women, I just automatically thought I was a guy. Once I was in College I took a class that briefly went into what transgender was and all that and it fit so perfectly it clicked. I started telling girlfriends, but they all left because I was ruining their lesbian identity. After awhile I thought it was a bad thing, it was a curse to be Trans, especially with sports. I had no idea what I was going to do, I was an all-american multiple times over, I was starting to get close to having options for continuing throwing outside of school once I graduated. Why did I have to be Trans? THat was all I could think, that was all I kept coming back to, was why was I Trans? I honestly kept asking that question till the last year, when I finally became ok with who and what I am. I was really worried about coming out to anyone else because I knew what the rules were for Transgender people, and I knew the NCAA didn't have any. I was also so afraid that my school would ban me from track, and track was the only thing I had at the time.
I finally decided to come out my senior year of College because I was going down a slippery slope and I didn't think I could pull myself out if I didn't come out. Before I came out I was cutting everyday I knew I had to come out, when I finally really hurt myself because I couldn't live like that anymore. When I came out as trans I did so with the understanding that I was not going to be taking T or having any surgery. I first told the Athletic director, and my professor mentor since the women's track team was getting a new coach and we needed to game plan. Both of them were awesome and helped me cover all corners at the time. That was the spring semester of my Junior year. After that I had to tell my parents.
Telling my parents to date has still been the hardest of everyone. When I told them I made sure I would be able to leave and it was towards the end of the summer. My mother just cried and cried, my father told me I ripped his heart out, and killed a part of him. I left their house shortly after that.